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Julian2

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Everything posted by Julian2

  1. You can either save them in your computer then post them as a file using "manage files", or use the image posting button, the one with the little envelope on it. Just right click on the picture then left click on "copy image location" and paste it into the link. As so...
  2. I suppose it's Hollywood spin, The Russkis are no longer Commies so they must be good guys so their Mafia can help Stevo take on the dirty Chinese Commie Mafia.
  3. I watched RomperStomper yesterday, one of Russell Crowe's early films set in Melbourne. Still a stunning portrayal of racist skinheads lives and motives.
  4. Irish Virginity Test Kit Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
  5. That was brilliant... so 60s. I found a copy in Burma and gave it to my niece but I think it was wasted on her.
  6. Watched Year One last night. Jack Black does Monty Python....
  7. Watched Gran Torino. Wasn't too bad, Eastwood reminded me a bit of his role in Heartbreak Ridge.
  8. The last late release movie I saw was "The Wrestler". That had it's moments.
  9. Greystoke: The legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes. No, sorry... doesn't make it.
  10. I watched the "Rocky" movies last week. I generally re run them every three or four years. Comfort movies?
  11. Scottish logic A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I am divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
  12. Little Guy at the Bar A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What cha gonna do about it?? " The poor little guy starts crying."Come on, man I was just giving you a hard time", the biker says. I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying. This is the worst day of my life, says the little guy between sobs. I cant do anything right. I over slept and was late to an important meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison
  13. This works brilliantly, automatically resizes any photo you email or post on a board or blog site. http://www.onthegosoft.com/shrink_pic.htm
  14. So what did Sarah Palin say Flash? Us Alaskans see chickens crossing the road in Russia everyday?
  15. Are you smarter than a Kiwi? (Some insights into Kiwi rugby thinking) â?? extract from Mail & Guardian â??Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.â? (Jono Gibbs â?? Chiefs) â??Iâ??m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.â? (Rodney Soâ??ialo, Hurricanes on University) â??You guys line up alphabetically by height.â? and â??You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.â? (Colin Cooper â?? Hurricanes head coach) Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the pyramids during his visit to Egypt : â??I canâ??t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.â? â??Heâ??s a guy who gets up at six oâ??clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.â? Colin Cooper on Paul Tito Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on night rugby vs day games: â??Itâ??s basically the same, just darker.â? David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell: â??I told him, â??Son, what is it with you â?¦ Is it ignorance or apathy?â?? He said, â?? David , I donâ??t know and I donâ??t care.â?? â? David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: â??I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.â? â??Andy Ellis, the 21-year-old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.â?Â( Murray Mexted) â??Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.â? (Ma Nonu) â??He scored that try after only 22 seconds totally against the run of play.â? ( Murray Mexted) â??We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.â? (Phil Waugh Waratahs) â??Iâ??ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.â? (Jerry Collins) â??That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.â? (Tony Brown) â??I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.â? (Tana Umaga) â??Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby, but none of them serious.â? (Doc Mayhew) â??If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.â? (Anton Oliver) â??I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.â? ( Murray Mexted) â??I never comment on referees and Iâ??m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.â? (Ewan McKenzie) Murray Deaker: â??Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?â? Tana Umaga: â??On what?â? â??Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.â? ( Murray Mexted) â??Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.â? ( Murray Mexted)
  16. Then he still only gets about one in three. On a good day.
  17. A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy admitted that this was the case. 'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.
  18. A REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL." YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
  19. Darts Team A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. 'Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,' she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said: 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.' The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: 'Do you shave?' 'No,' said the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?' 'Oh yes,' said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy bush. When the husband got back in she asked: 'Did you see it?' 'Yes,' he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?' 'Why,' she said. 'You've seen it all before.' 'I know,' he said, 'but the f***king darts team hadn't!'
  20. The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. â??Hold on a minuteâ? said the Pope. â??You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.â? â??This picture is my lottery winâ? said the photographer. â??I'll be financially secure for life.â? So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. â??That looks like a really good cameraâ? she said. â??How much did it cost?â? â??Two million dollarsâ? replied the Pope. â??Two million dollars! TWO MILLION DOLLARS!â? said the housekeeper. â??They must have seen you coming!â?Â
  21. Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really does work.
  22. WOMAN'S DIARY Saturday 3rd May 2008 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. MAN'S DIARY Saturday 3rd May 2008 Port lost. Gutted. Got a root though.
  23. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted
  24. The trouble is I often miss several pages at a time so I'm not sure what's been posted and what hasn't and I'm not looking back through 36 pages to find out.
  25. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while heâ??s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, â??Did you see what your monkey just did?â? The guy says, â??No, what?â? â??He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!â? says the bartender. â??Yeah, that doesnâ??t surprise me,â? replies the patron. â??He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. Iâ??ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.â? He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heâ??s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the b bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. â??Did you see what your monkey did now?â? â??Now what?â? asks the patron. â??Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!â? says the barkeeper. â??Yeah, that doesnâ??t surprise me,â? replies the patron. â??He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!â?Â
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