soiarrai

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once." The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone drunk, waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45pm, a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving. He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern. He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded." "Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man. "How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer. "Anoout fiften," said the man. "FIFTEEN! And you're trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer. "Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer. The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABCs fowards and backwards. The police officer didn't get it. "Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer. "Sure," said the man. He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelled no beer on his breath. "Well, I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?" "Oh, I'm the DD," said the man. "A designated driver?" "No, a designated decoy," said the man.

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh Fuck!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A woman tells her boyfriend, "You know I am saving myself until we are married!" He begs her, "How about I just put the head in for a while? Just let me marinate the head a little." She reluctantly agrees, if it's only the head. So he proceeds to put the head in and that's all he does, for about 30 seconds. But then he gets carried away and puts it in entirely, pumping with deep thrusts. After a few minutes, she moans and says, "I know we have this deal that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels really good, so go ahead and give it all to me!" Without thinking, he quickly responds, "No, a deal's a deal."