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CTO

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Everything posted by CTO

  1. Spankies - took a board member there and had fun even if it was BYO.
  2. I like everything with Michael Caine I think - haven't seen all his movies but enjoy seeing him!
  3. What driver did she use to break the window?
  4. Hate Moulin Rouge - but then I wouldn't Nicole Kidman either
  5. CTO

    A Good Red wine..

    1800 yesterday - for something that is only cheap wine in France (or was) it's now Oooh Laa Laaaa Aussie wines are cheaper now - hardys taras and others around the 450 mark - expencive compared to Australia - 150 baht cheaper than a year ago
  6. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland. The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's shite n pish.' The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.' The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
  7. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
  8. Finally downloaded (or finished) Edward Scissorhands For a tit watching beer swillign bottom spanking whicky guzzling cigar smiking 4 year old who likes to ride fast motorbikes my son gets a bit sad in sad movies - wasn't sure how he'd take Daughter loved it -son got teary and has watched it 7 times since last week. "Is he dead" No OK
  9. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    Poor Girl [sorry, rules is rules. Either link to the pic, or put it in the Board Sponsor forum - KS]
  10. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    Little girl stuck in fence. Firemen and police from the Patchogue, N.Y. area, all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in steel fence. It took several hours to extract her from her predicament. Fire Chief Klug said, 'This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence.' Although the girl's entrapment was never life threatening it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her. She was taken to an area hospital where she was examined and released. Poor thing, this picture just about broke my heart. God bless those great police and firemen. Heroes, one and all….
  11. Agree totally - requires a couple who don't "hate" each rather just don't want to be married - many people split amicably I am best friends with all my significant other's - something the last one never could accept until she joined the ranks of "others" and discovered if you really loved someone for 7 years (ave time of a relationship for me - the current DArLek is now 10 years!) then you should still have some respect/feelings for the person, The fact many people also split acrimoniously to me suggests they came together for the wrong reasons and weren't honest about their real desires/lusts/wants before getting it together.
  12. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'
  13. How about two parents who manage too fool the kids they are happy - I know parents of friends of mine stunned everyone when they decided to get divorced once youngest reached 25 - seems they stayed together for the kids BUT managed to fool everyone. All who knew where stunned - good idea or not to sacrifice your own happiness for the kids?
  14. My poarents would walk down the beach holding hands I'd throw sand "Why can't you be like my friends parents and not be all nice and lovey dovey to each other" Seriously - they were like that and I was ashamed - glad I got over that!
  15. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
  16. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999. Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I think I've killed her!'' Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!'' *click* *BANG* Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''
  17. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
  18. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could." So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!" Life in the Australian Army... Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think?about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
  19. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, 'Go ahead'. ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did y ou hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who invented the toothbrush ? A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new Redneck law was just recently passed When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ? 'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too.. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . . and the driver replies 'Bout wut?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`<
  20. In Newtown I used to pay $20 Aus for a haircut and old fashioned shave - hot towel the works. LOVED the cut throat shave!
  21. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    >> Thailand Love Story >> >> A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just >> >> rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do. >> >> >> >> As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" >> >> Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
  22. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ************************************************************************ I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... **************************************************************** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... ************************************************************************ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started...... ********************************************************************* My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then t he fight started... ====================================================================== My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a set of scales. And then the fight started... ==================================================================== My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and She kept staring at a drunken Guy swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked my Wife, "Do you know him?" "Yes," She sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those many years a go, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ===========================================================
  23. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    A elder member of the 60's alternative generation
  24. CTO

    Any New Jokes

    Salty - not garlic? If that's a yes I'll go look for a new one
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