canadalad

THE AMAZING SCOTSMAN ! A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress, A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge boaby and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Nelson Mandela Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and Drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, Clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've Obviously got the wrong man', and Shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the Door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge Truck of Brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so He pushes the little > Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears A knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a -- Clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: You understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Japanese man looks very Puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (It's a beauty) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (Wait for it) > > > > > > > > > > Get your best Japanese accent ready) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 'You Not Nissan Main Deala?'

PASSING GAS An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week. She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!" The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

A Letter to America -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: A message from John Cleese â?? celebrated British comedian. To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. the Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol, which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater . 12. You will cease playing American football. there is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us! 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes plus strawberries (with cream), when in season. God Save the Queen.

Tony Blair visits an Edinburgh hospital and enters a ward full of patients who do not seem to have anything wrong with them. He speaks to the first patient , and the patient answers, "fair fa your honest sonsie face,, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a your take youtake thy place, painch, tripe or thairm as langs me arm" Tony is very confused and moves on to the next patient who says, "some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it". Tony looks abashed and moves on to another patint who says, "wee sleeki,timourus beasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie" tony doesn't know what to say, and turns to the Doctor and asks, "is this the facility for mental patients?2 Oh no, replies the Doctor," this is the serious Burns unit" :smirk:

John was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Bob was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot? Bob replied "That's silver and it costs £100!" My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that John had sent her to buy, and Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Bob yelled "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, idiot!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like piss!," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started screwing her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place.

You Might Be Part Of The Taliban If... ...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. ...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you canâ??t afford shoes. ...You have more wives than teeth. ...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. ...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round. ...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr. ...Youâ??ve ever had your camel repossessed. ...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. ...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe. ...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read. ...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. ...Youâ??ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what youâ??ve done with your cave." ...You wipe your rear end with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

TheBirthday Gift Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the that's what Rich did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Amish miracle? An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!!!!" :smirk:

The Nun & a Soldier A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either." :smirk:

Diary of a new English Immigrant in Canada. ------------------------------------------- 20th DECEMBER The first snow we have seen in many years. My wife and me sat in the porch with our hot toddies watching the fluffy soft flakes drift down gently onto the trees and bushes. Itâ??s so peaceful. 24th DECEMBER We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white shimmering snow covering everything as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and every bush covered in a beautiful white blanket of snow. I shovelled snow for the first time ever today and loved every minute of it. I did our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came by and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman, and had a snowball fight. A couple of them just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back, just for fun. 26th DECEMBER It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees had snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now a light brown colour. 1st JANUARY Warmed up enough today to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Had to buy snow tyres. Fell on my ar$e in the driveway. Went to the doctor, but thankfully, nothing was broken. 5th JANUARY Still cold. Snow tyres didn't do any good. She slid down the road and into a wall and did some damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of that white stuff last night. Car is covered in iced up slush and grit, which that blasted snowplough is responsible for. He came by another f*cking twice. 9th JANUARY More f*cking white sh!te. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which toppled over and nearly torched the whole house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. We hit a deer on the way to casualty and the car was a total f*cking write off. 13th JANUARY F*cking bastard white sh!te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every item of clothing just to go to the shop. Those little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that f*cking snowman so far up their ar$e it'll take good f*cking surgeon hours to find it. I think that blasted snowplough f*cking waits round the corner for me to finish shovelling and then speeds down the street like Michael f*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking car again. 17th JANUARY FIVE MORE F*CKING INCHES OF F*CKING SNOW and more f*cking ice to go with it, and whatever f*cking else fell last night is on my f*cking car. I'm up at court in April for assaulting the snowplough driver with my shovel. Can't feel my f*cking toes, havenâ??t seen the sun for 4 weeks and it's minus f*cking 14 degrees. F*CK THIS I'M GOING BACK TO ENGLAND!!!!!! ***could have been me 20+ years ago !! :smirk:

Gary Glitter has been made the new England manager.......................... he says his first move will be to put Seaman into the youth team !!