canadalad

THE AMAZING SCOTSMAN ! A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress, A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge boaby and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Nelson Mandela Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and Drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, Clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've Obviously got the wrong man', and Shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the Door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge Truck of Brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so He pushes the little > Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears A knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a -- Clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: You understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Japanese man looks very Puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (It's a beauty) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (Wait for it) > > > > > > > > > > Get your best Japanese accent ready) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 'You Not Nissan Main Deala?'

PASSING GAS An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week. She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!" The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

A Letter to America -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: A message from John Cleese â?? celebrated British comedian. To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. the Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol, which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater . 12. You will cease playing American football. there is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us! 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes plus strawberries (with cream), when in season. God Save the Queen.

Tony Blair visits an Edinburgh hospital and enters a ward full of patients who do not seem to have anything wrong with them. He speaks to the first patient , and the patient answers, "fair fa your honest sonsie face,, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a your take youtake thy place, painch, tripe or thairm as langs me arm" Tony is very confused and moves on to the next patient who says, "some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it". Tony looks abashed and moves on to another patint who says, "wee sleeki,timourus beasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie" tony doesn't know what to say, and turns to the Doctor and asks, "is this the facility for mental patients?2 Oh no, replies the Doctor," this is the serious Burns unit" :smirk:

John was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Bob was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot? Bob replied "That's silver and it costs £100!" My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that John had sent her to buy, and Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Bob yelled "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, idiot!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like piss!," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started screwing her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place.

You Might Be Part Of The Taliban If... ...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. ...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you canâ??t afford shoes. ...You have more wives than teeth. ...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. ...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round. ...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr. ...Youâ??ve ever had your camel repossessed. ...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. ...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe. ...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read. ...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. ...Youâ??ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what youâ??ve done with your cave." ...You wipe your rear end with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

TheBirthday Gift Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the that's what Rich did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Amish miracle? An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!!!!" :smirk:

The Nun & a Soldier A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either." :smirk:

Diary of a new English Immigrant in Canada. ------------------------------------------- 20th DECEMBER The first snow we have seen in many years. My wife and me sat in the porch with our hot toddies watching the fluffy soft flakes drift down gently onto the trees and bushes. Itâ??s so peaceful. 24th DECEMBER We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white shimmering snow covering everything as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and every bush covered in a beautiful white blanket of snow. I shovelled snow for the first time ever today and loved every minute of it. I did our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came by and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman, and had a snowball fight. A couple of them just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back, just for fun. 26th DECEMBER It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees had snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now a light brown colour. 1st JANUARY Warmed up enough today to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Had to buy snow tyres. Fell on my ar$e in the driveway. Went to the doctor, but thankfully, nothing was broken. 5th JANUARY Still cold. Snow tyres didn't do any good. She slid down the road and into a wall and did some damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of that white stuff last night. Car is covered in iced up slush and grit, which that blasted snowplough is responsible for. He came by another f*cking twice. 9th JANUARY More f*cking white sh!te. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which toppled over and nearly torched the whole house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. We hit a deer on the way to casualty and the car was a total f*cking write off. 13th JANUARY F*cking bastard white sh!te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every item of clothing just to go to the shop. Those little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that f*cking snowman so far up their ar$e it'll take good f*cking surgeon hours to find it. I think that blasted snowplough f*cking waits round the corner for me to finish shovelling and then speeds down the street like Michael f*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking car again. 17th JANUARY FIVE MORE F*CKING INCHES OF F*CKING SNOW and more f*cking ice to go with it, and whatever f*cking else fell last night is on my f*cking car. I'm up at court in April for assaulting the snowplough driver with my shovel. Can't feel my f*cking toes, havenâ??t seen the sun for 4 weeks and it's minus f*cking 14 degrees. F*CK THIS I'M GOING BACK TO ENGLAND!!!!!! ***could have been me 20+ years ago !! :smirk:

Gary Glitter has been made the new England manager.......................... he says his first move will be to put Seaman into the youth team !!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Funny signs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotels towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read this notice. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is bring fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like a ride on your own ass. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner is dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In a Acapulco hotel: - The manager has personal passed all the water served here. Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking. Here speaking American. Thailand Advertisement: Coca Cola brings your ancestors back from the dead.

Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

The New President of the USA -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of December 31st, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (R-Wash) who, with the aid of Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive on the world stage," Congressman Smith said. Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit. "I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought for sure I'd have some job security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he further lamented. Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open. "I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday." Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer, just as Mr. Bush has, without having to fully understand the issue itself." Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

Each day a college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke, usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide that the next time he does it, theyâ??re just going to get up and leave the class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class with, â??Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Russia?â? And sure enough all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave. The professor shouts, â??Wait! The boat doesnâ??t leave â??till Monday!â?Â

Soon to be the #1 game show in the UK The UK and immigrants -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM. Todays programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition.... Hi-jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer, and don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British Passport. You Only need to know one word of English "ASYLUM". Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or eurostar. No application ever refused!! All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ASYLUM. Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan Were flown goat class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200 a night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hostels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in historic Bedfordshire and the money tree at Croydon. If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. Just apply for legal aid!! hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny. So play today. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, COME ON DOWN!! Be one of the tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends. Everyone's a winner when they play ASYLUM.

I dont know if these are the latest Darwin awards,but if not,they should be! 1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline>with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." 4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. 5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting blast, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never been thought of by his peers as "all there." And the Winner: 6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their doubts about putting their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"

Sounds familiar? How to shower like a woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas. How to shower like a man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Conversations overheard between pilots and Air Traffic Control Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ************************************************** ****************************** ****************** Tower: "American 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." Amer.2341: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737? ************************************************** ****************************** ****************** >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a VERY long take-off queue: "I'm f....ing bored!" Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f.....ing stupid!" ************************************************** ****************************** ****************** Ohare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the Little Fokker in sight." ************************************************** ****************************** **************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ************************************************** ****************************** ***************** A 757 had come in a little "hot" and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "Delta 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ************************************************** ****************************** ****************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. Jock: "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ************************************************** ****************************** ***************** Taxiing down the tarmac, a United 777 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" Flight attendant: "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ************************************************** ****************************** **************** A United 767 flight waiting for start clearance in Frankfurt overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground: (in English) "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa: (in English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful proper British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ************************************************** ****************************** **************** Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7." Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway" Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Delta 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Delta 702? Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we copied Delta...we've already notified our caterers." ************************************************** ****************************** ***************** The German ATC at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. It was with some amusement, that we, a British Airline 707 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 707, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 707 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" BA 206: "Stand-by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground: (With quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" BA 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,---and I didn't land." ************************************************** ****************************** ***************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Continental 757. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "USAir 2771, where are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, US AIR 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"