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  1. Al

    Any New Jokes

    A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude." He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he replies.
  2. Al

    Any New Jokes

    I heard that at 8:00 AM on January 21st, a man showed up at the White House asking to see George W. Bush. "George W. Bush is no longer President" said the guard. So he went away. The next day the same man shows up at the same time and asks to see George W. Bush. He was again told "George W. Bush is no longer president". Again, he went away. On Friday, the same man again shows up at White House and asks to see George W. Bush. This time the guard is a little miffed. "George W. Bush is no longer President. Why do you keep coming here and asking?". The answer was "I just like hearing it over and over."
  3. Al

    Any New Jokes

    A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started anvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
  4. Al

    Any New Jokes

    the "spreadeagled" made me remember this joke: ---- Superman and Batman ran in to each other, flying over Metroplis. Superman said to Batman, "you know, I was flying by Lois Lane's the other night, and with my X-Ray vision, I could see her lying on the bed spreadeagled, with the wildest expression on her face.". "Wow, that would make me horny" said Batman. "It sure did. So I flew down, right through her window and started shagging". "I will bet she was surprised" said Batman. Superman then said, "She was, but not as much as the Invisible Man".
  5. Al

    Any New Jokes

    There once was a piano player who was auditioning at the Bamboo Lounge. The manager of the place told him to play some tunes, He played a very beautiful piece that impressed the manager. "What is the name of that tune". "The I Like Sniffing Pussy Shuffle in B Major" replied the pianist. A little apprehensive, the manager said "Hmm, well, play a piece that you would be playing here if you got the gig". So he launched into another tune. The tune impressed the manager to tears, as well as all his staff. "Wow, I have never heard anything more so awe inspiring, I think you will work, but, just out of curiosity, what is the name of that piece". The Blow Your Brother, F*ck a Goat, and Tell Me That You Love Me Waltz, in D Minor. " This was a tough call for the manager, but finally he said "Ok, you're hired, but on one condition, don't under any condition tell any of the customers the names of your pieces.". "Sure". So the first day on the gig, he was playing, and wowing his customers. There was one particularly hot woman that caught his attention so much, that during the break, he went to the bathroom and jacked off. When he came back to the bandstand, he decided he had to meet this woman and talk to her. So he mustered the courage and went up and said hello. The woman replied, "Hey, I really like your music. But do you know your fly is open and you have come all over your dick." "Know it, I wrote it!"
  6. Al

    Any New Jokes

    I applied for a dating service but they rejected me. They said when I answered the question "What do you like most in a woman", with "my dick", it was inappropriate.
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