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Nervous God

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Everything posted by Nervous God

  1. FEMALE COMPASSION. The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing! A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f--ked?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
  2. The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, she would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. " "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales" ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales".
  3. A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' ............... The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
  4. A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade' Ms.. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands .' The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..
  5. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast? John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  6. You did too! however in my defence
  7. Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you f**k-wit and you were born in December,.............."
  8. For Mekong my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers. Was very happy when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday. That was around the time when the fight started...
  9. LIFE IN AN AUSSIE MENTAL HOSPITAL!!! A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?' Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.' 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??' To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '
  10. Think about it, "The BEach" is now 10 years old, that means those cute silly 18 year olds are now 28, not looking so good (depending on your sex requirements) and far from silly. Meanwhile Full Moon Parties continue. I like the music of today, always have, but isn't it time for a change?
  11. Speaking of which, do you think there are any hard core xetians who named a daughter after Oral Roberts?
  12. HH - his motto is "I shall never LEAVE"
  13. I haven't been to Silver Dollar for ages, good excuse to go there.
  14. 5 5 5 5 5 your odds aren't good enough, need to add zero's. Hey Troy - last drinks where? Which pub/bar?
  15. THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: ' $90,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000' MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
  16. Kick Ass was good - bit strange in parts, but good. Too gory for the kids, no way I'll show the junior, he's dangerous enough as is
  17. Jungle soup, no need to be a spectator, wrap it up and play safe.
  18. Union Problems Muslim suicide bombers in Br itain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the Br itish Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth." Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace." "Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway." A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
  19. Saw book of Eli on the plane, FARK, did the Xtian right wing finance this movie or what? Saw some good movies on the plane but can;t remember, dam VIVA LA CLIT!
  20. Paul is Teddy's older brother?
  21. LP - God is wartching, need to get some cream for that! Going to download this South Park Heaven Sex thing, ever since George Burns showed up it's Porn Porn Porn, he blaims the Thais, what a crazy word for "Blessed". One reason I got the job I think. Just watched Monsters Inc for 4th time since downloading it for God Jnr, in the space of 2 days. Pretty good movie. Happy Feet is better the 17th time you watch I've learnt too. Aren't kids fun the way they watch the same movie 73 times in a row? AND expect the ending to change each time?
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