Nervous God

FARK this is awful! 10 children rescued from smugglers in Phoenix PHOENIX (AP)  Ten children have been rescued from human smugglers who threatened to rape and kill some of them if their parents didn't pay more money for their entry into the U.S., authorities said Friday. The children, from 2 to 17 years old, were smuggled from Mexico, El Salvador and Guatemala, and were being held against their will at a drop house in Phoenix, authorities said. Only one of them was being brought into the country with a parent. The smugglers threatened to rape and kill three El Salvadoran sisters ages 12, 14 and 16 if their mother didn't pay them $10,000, Arizona Department of Public Safety Capt. Fred Zumbo said. The girls' mother, who is living legally in the U.S. in the San Francisco area, called the FBI for help, and Phoenix police and other agencies took over from there. Police found the home where the girls were being held, and found them and the other children when a SWAT team raided it Thursday night. None of the children appeared to have been harmed, and they had been fed and given water, Zumbo said. "They seemed in fairly good condition considering what they went through," said Zumbo, who leads DPS' Illegal Immigration Prevention & Apprehension Co-op Team. "Who knows what would have happened if we hadn't rescued them, especially if the mother couldn't come up with the money." Zumbo said it's unusual to find so many children in one drop house unaccompanied by a family member. Two people were arrested on smuggling, kidnapping and extortion charges. They were identified as Jaime Cruz Gutierrez, 44, and Olga Marino Fuentes, 41, who were both in the country illegally from Mexico. DPS officials said more than $9,600 in cash was seized from the drop house along with 4,000 pesos ($324), a vehicle and a .38-caliber semi-automatic pistol. Zumbo said his agency was working to find out who else was involved in the smuggling of the children, in an effort to dismantle the operation. The three El Salvadoran sisters were turned over to their mother in California as they await immigration hearings so a judge can decide whether they must return to their home country or can stay in the U.S. A 15-year-old Mexican girl was returned to her home country with her mother, and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement was working to confirm whether a woman who contacted them is the mother of a 2-year-old Guatemalan girl found in the home. ICE spokesman Vincent Picard said the agency was working to identify the parents of the five other children: three other girls from El Salvador and two boys from Mexico. The girls are 7, 14 and 17, and the boys are 6 and 17.

I feel this thread needs help Obama tells troops in Afghanistan they're thriving President Barack Obama greets troops at a rally during an unannounced visit at Bagram Air Field in Afghanistan on Dec. 3. Enlarge image Enlarge By Pablo Martinez Monsivais, AP President Barack Obama greets troops at a rally during an unannounced visit at Bagram Air Field in Afghanistan on Dec. 3. BAGRAM AIR FIELD, Afghanistan (AP)  In a rousing holiday-season visit, President Obama on Friday told cheering U.S. troops in Afghanistan they're succeeding in their vital mission fighting terrorism. But after he flew in secrecy for 14 hours to get here, foul weather kept him from nearby Kabul and a meeting to address frayed relations with Afghan President Hamid Karzai Obama's surprise visit to the war zone, his second as president, came 10 days before he is to address the nation about a new review of U.S. strategy to defeat the Taliban and strengthen the Afghan government so American troops can begin leaving next year. The trip also came at a particularly awkward moment in already strained U.S. relations with Afghanistan because of new and embarrassing leaked cables alleging widespread fraud and underscoring deep American concerns about Karzai. There was no mention of that as the president spoke to more than 3,500 service members packed into a huge airplane hangar. After his remarks, he spent more than 10 minutes shaking hands, going around the hangar three times as they grabbed his hand and held cameras and cellphones high to take photos. Obama stayed on this U.S. military base, the headquarters of the 101st Airborne Division, the entire time he was here, just under four hours. He huddled with U.S. Gen. David Petraeus, the top NATO commander in Afghanistan and U.S. Ambassador Karl Eikenberry. And he visited wounded soldiers at a base hospital, personally dispensing five Purple Hearts to wounded service members. "Because of the progress we're making, we look forward to a new phase next year, the beginning of the transition to Afghan responsibility," Obama told the troops. He thanked them for their efforts, noting the difficulty in being away from home during the holidays, and they repeatedly cheered him in return. He said the U.S. was continuing "to forge a partnership with the Afghan people for the long term." And he said, "we will never let this country serve as a safe haven for terrorists who would attack the United States of America again. That will never happen." There are now about 150,000 coalition forces in Afghanistan, roughly 100,000 of them Americans. The U.S. and its NATO partners agreed last month in Lisbon, Portugal, to begin turning over control to local Afghan authorities in 2011, with a goal of completing that transition by the end of 2014. White House officials said gusty winds and swirling dust led them to cancel Obama's planned helicopter visit to Kabul, about 30 miles north of here. A backup plan for a secure videoconference was also scrapped. Waheed Omar, a Karzai spokesman, said the Afghan leader was "not upset" that the palace visit was scuttled. He noted that the two leaders had met during the conference in Lisbon and discussed the situation in Afghanistan in detail. Obama, who has tripled U.S. troop strength in Afghanistan, has come under increasing pressure to demonstrate progress in turning the tide against the Taliban insurgency in the battle that has now gone on for more than nine years. In his remarks to the troops, Obama cited "important progress." "We said we were going to break the Taliban's momentum. And that's what you're doing. You're going on the offense, tired of playing defense, targeting their leaders, pushing them out of their strongholds. Today, we can be proud that there are fewer areas under Taliban control and more Afghans have a chance to build a more hopeful future," he said. He thanked the troops for their work and sacrifice "on behalf of more than 300 million Americans." "You give me hope. You give me inspiration. Your resolve shows that Americans will never succumb to fear," he said to cheers and shouts. Petraeus, the commander Obama is looking to to turn things around, introduced Obama to the troops and teased the president about the basketball injury to his lip last week. Presenting him with a 101st Airborne T-shirt, Petraeus told the president: "No one will mess with you if you wear this, Mr. President." At the base hospital, Obama met with platoon members from the unit that lost six soldiers this week in brazen killings by an Afghan border policeman who turned fire on his U.S. trainers. Mentioning that visit and his meeting with what Petraeus called "wounded warriors," Obama told the assembled troops: "I don't need to tell you this is a tough fight. ... It's a tough business. Progress comes slow. And there are going to be difficult days ahead. Progress comes at a high price." Newly leaked U.S. cables show American diplomats portraying Afghanistan as rife with graft to the highest levels of government, with tens of millions of dollars flowing out of the country and a cash transfer network that facilitates bribes for corrupt Afghan officials, drug traffickers and insurgents. A main concern in the cables appears to be Karzai himself, who emerges as a mercurial figure. In a July 7, 2009, dispatch, Eikenberry describes "two contrasting portraits" of the Afghan president. "The first is of a paranoid and weak individual unfamiliar with the basics of nation building and overly self-conscious that his time in the spotlight of glowing reviews from the international community has passed," the cable says. "The other is that of an ever-shrewd politician who sees himself as a nationalist hero. ... In order to recalibrate our relationship with Karzai, we must deal with and challenge both of these personalities." Obama aides later said the subject of the cables didn't come up during the Obama-Karzai phone call, which lasted 15 minutes. Ben Rhodes, a White House national security aide, told reporters Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton had already spoken to Karzai about WikiLeaks disclosures. After the long, unannounced flight from Washington, Obama landed in darkness under intense security. He stepped off Air Force One clad in a brown leather jacket that he was also wearing when he spoke to troops. Plans of his trip into the war zone were tightly guarded. Despite the upcoming review results, White House officials on the trip played down the significance of his upcoming speech. No big policy changes are expected, they said. To deal with any doubts about reasons for the Karzai meeting being canceled, reporters traveling with Obama were escorted outside the air field hangar to get a glimpse of the conditions. The wind was blowing strongly, kicking up dust clouds as troops streamed in to hear Obama. An American flag whipped against its pole. At the presidential palace, U.S. armored vehicles were securing entrances. Carpets were ready to be unrolled. The war in Afghanistan is the nation's longest after Vietnam, launched in the weeks after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. This has been the deadliest year to date for U.S. forces in Afghanistan. More than 1,300 have died here since the war began, more than 450 in 2010. The visit comes a year after Obama announced he was sending an additional 30,000 troops to try to gain control  and then get the United States out  of a worsening conflict. Obama's plan is to start pulling U.S. forces out of Afghanistan in July.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ... ************************************ Clean can be funny. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. ***************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' ******************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. cid:B0A7A6D26E8B4B39BBD8A8EAC02164A2@ReceptionReload ************************************* A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' *********************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. ******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' *************************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

I doubt it's real but it's a nice touch AN ACTUAL 'CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS' AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message . First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target . The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ; In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky . Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours , Alex

TAX TIME A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I managed to raise a thousand little cocks last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

Just watched "Grown Ups" was ok, why does every Adam Sandler movie have a church seen with weird candelabras?

Toy Story 3 is not bad, good way to finish of the franchise (yes woody dies in the end, kids crying left and right) How to train your dragon is ok, not as good as other kids flicks like the shrek series (last one not so funny) Yes I only watch kids movies or Dinosaur series.

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed very hard for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?" Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week." A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

I know - I won;t even bother to Snopes, and remember the French had the balls to march on Moscow, BUT JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?" DeGaulle did not respond. You could have heard a pin drop There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now · Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde : Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? · A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie : No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A... Char ley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charle y Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver : His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair' Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune'. 'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.' 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?' 'Will... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?' The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners !'.

Quite old, but still makes me laugh! "When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too". A.Christie,Hendon. ---------------------------------------------------------- "She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh!t" J.Clement. Grantham. ---------------------------------------------------------- "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly" D.Holmes, Somerset. ---------------------------------------------------------- "She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She p!ssed herself later though, it was sickening". B. Forrester, North Yorkshire. ---------------------------------------------------------- "She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover". L. J.Worthington,Penrith. ---------------------------------------------------------- "I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off". S.Wilson, Bristol. ---------------------------------------------------------- "How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual". J. Fletcher, High Wycombe. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs". E. Franks, Cheshire. ---------------------------------------------------------- "On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences". T.Watson, Ilford. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists". Y. Howell, Slough. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?" W.Waugh, Richmond. ---------------------------------------------------------- "It is such a loss, God has sh@t on our heads". K. O'Neil, Inverness. ---------------------------------------------------------- "I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea. ---------------------------------------------------------- "I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event" E. Thompson, West Lothian. --------------------------------------------------------- "Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better" P.McGregor, Southampton. --------------------------------------------------------- "We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin". R. Thompson, Bath. --------------------------------------------------------- "I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried" E. Gorman, Derbyshire. --------------------------------------------------------- "Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?". R. Combes, Romford. --------------------------------------------------------- "No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard" G. Hollins, East Sussex. ---------------------------------------------------------- "I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know it's not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person". E.Collier, London. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana". G.Williams, West Midlands. ---------------------------------------------------------- "She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am". L. Weller, Harlow. ---------------------------------------------------------- "If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless b@stard !" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath. ---------------------------------------------------------- "She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort" T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

Mum says she hea4d the Swizz one 50 years ago!

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. She said:………… "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

i like it

"Good Morning, This is Radio Pakistan The Sports News. Here are tomorrow's cricket scores"

Tales of affairs The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary.. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 6th & Best Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work..'

Your tastes buds seem to like the same flavours as mine, let's hope they never meet! In the village I make my own cruched black pepper sauce when cooking steak

How was the massage, did she have coriander oil?

I can see the tv show now. Cooking for real men with god on your side. Episode 1, curry in your undies in a hurry, with creme broulette made in your wife's best bra.

No need for a pan, leave your undies on for a few days, they'll be moist enough to cook a curry and you won't need the coriander

Easy to grow at home as well, goes wild, don't let it seed though

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.