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Palatkik

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Everything posted by Palatkik

  1. The Big Sick [2017] A cleverly written romcom based on the true story of an Asian stand up comic in the US has enough originality to make it memorable for those who can stomach the genre.
  2. Whilst having sex the guy suddenly stopped & didn't move. The girlfriend asks "What are you doing?". He said "I've seen this online, it's called buffering".
  3. An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when ma husband goes oot to the darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the followingMonday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said "next Monday, when ye go oot to the darts, leave a wee bit early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so ye can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Dae you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, aye," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department... very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did ye see it?" "Aye," he said, "but why the hell did ye have to show her yours." "Why ever are ye worried aboot that?" she said. "Ye've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
  4. 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians!! 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!! 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
  5. It Comes At Night [2017] An atmospheric and enthralling edge if the seat thriller of post-apocalyptic survival and family instincts.
  6. Capital letters. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.
  7. Maudi [2017] Masterfully made and acted true story of an arthritic house maid of a loner fish peddler who finds some fame with her folk paintings in the open landscape of Nova Scotia. Worth watching.
  8. Killing Hasselhoff [2017] Amateurish b-movie comedy self-parodying (and rightly so) the early characters of David Hasselhoff and his music, along the same lines as the Dave TV series Hoff The Record which was much better done.
  9. Paddy tells his wife “My bum hole is really burning, no idea what it is?†“Ring sting†his wife says. Paddy replies “How the fck will he know?â€
  10. Wonder Woman [2017] Available in HD download so free, I was curious why some reviews gave this high marks. Still confused as its utter rubbish, OTT CGI nonsense with some of the most vomit inducing dialogue.
  11. Geoffrey Giuliano ( Hollywood Actor, Writer, Fox News Chan) at Big C http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0J71I6ZIw0
  12. Customer: A nice bunch of flowers for the wife please Florist: Certainly, sir. Are you looking for anything particular? Customer: A blow job hopefully
  13. Mr Trump a tough guy cockney accent. No words were changed.
  14. In a Valley of Violence (2016) A somewhat satirical and absurd homage to westerns of old like Tarantino might do, falls flat at times, but overall entertains.
  15. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie [2017] 50% Hero. 100% Cotton. Impossible to watch this animated caper without raising a laugh.
  16. Prick Up Your Ears [1987] Amusing recently re-released DVD bio on the 50th anniversary of the violent death of London playwright Joe Orton set during the swinging 60’s. The title “Ears†is an anagram, which dictates the theme of this!
  17. Breaking news ....Autopsy just finished on Brucie. Official notice : Bruce Forsyth died of a seizure, nice to seizure, to seizure nice!!
  18. The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
  19. A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!
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