In the spirit of the Gaza thread...
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moishe Plotnik."
Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
Hetty has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end. God says no and explains that she has another 30 or 40 yeas to live. As soon as she recovers, Hetty figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well look her best. So she stays in the hospital and has a face life, liposuction, Botox Ã¢?? the works.
But tragedy strikes just as Hetty is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car. When Hetty arrives in front of God she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years."
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Here is why God gave the Jews the Ten Commandments:
God first went to the Canaanites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.
"What commandment?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not kill," replied God.
The Canaanites thought it over and said, "No thanks, we'll pass."
God then went to the Ishmaelites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.
"What commandment?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not steal!" thundered God.
"Are you crazy?" they replied. "No thanks."
So God finally went to the Jews and asked if they wanted one commandment.
"How much?" they asked.
"UhÃ¢?Â¦well, they're free," God replied.
"OK, we'll take ten."
After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden. Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord paid him a visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you Ã¢?? someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful and loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That sounds incredible!"
"It is," replied the Lord, "but it doesn't come for free. It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
Two five year old children, one Jewish and the other Catholic, are playing in the sandbox.
Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!"
David replies, "Of course he does. You guys tell him everything!"
Two wasps buzz around what''s left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don''t you go down the corner and hang a left? There''s a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Wasp two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp. "Great!" says buddy-wasp.
The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What''s that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn''t want them to see that I was a WASP."
(OK, *that's* funny! -- SD)
Mr Jones comes to Fink's Drycleaners to have his clothes pressed. He brings them in and leaves. The next day he returns, and sees a sign that says, "My name is Fink, what do you think, I press clothes for nothing." So Jones picks up his clothes and starts to leave without paying.
Fink then stops Mr. Jones, "Sir, why didn't you pay me?"
In his defense, Jones says, "Your sign reads 'My name is Fink and what do you think, I press clothes for nothing.'"
Fink responds, "You must not be Jewish. You have to say it with the right intonation. It's like this: 'My name is Fink; What do you think: I press clothes for nothing????'"
An old Jew lives in an apartment building in an otherwise Catholic neighborhood where all adhere to the restriction of eating only fish on Fridays. Every Friday afternoon, however, the Jew bakes chicken for his Shabbos meal.
The tantalizing aroma week after week is too much for his Catholic neighbors. They convince the local priest to deliver an ultimatum to the Jew: either he convert to Catholicism and eat only fish on Fridays, or he has to move. The Jew agrees to convert. Three times the priest sprinkles holy water on him declaring: "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."
The ex-Jew's first Friday night as a Catholic comes around -- and the perfume of baking chicken wafts through the neighborhood. A neighborhood mob charges into the old man's apartment demanding,
"What's with the chicken? You're a Catholic now!"
He says, pointing to the roaster on the table, "That's no chicken; that's a fish."
"Who are you kidding!" they protest. "It's a chicken!"
The ex-Jew walks over to the sink, wets his hands, approaches the table and sprinkles the chicken three times, saying, "Born a chicken, raised a chicken, now a fish!"
OK, that's enough. All jokes certified Jewlarious by aish.com! More At the link.