jai-dee

Puns for Educated Minds

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

 

 

 

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

 

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

 

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

 

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

 

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

 

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

 

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

 

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

 

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

 

World cup

 

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.     

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .......

 

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

 

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

She ran out of the room.

 

 

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

 

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

 

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," I said.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

 

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

 

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

 

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

 

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard ,with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

 

 

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised, lights off at 8 p.m. and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all.

 

The first blonde guy joke?

 

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke...... And well worth the wait!

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

 

New sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

 

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

 

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

 

************ ********* ********* *

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..

6. Attempt to insert card into machine...

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8.. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt..

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone..

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

 

Q: What is the difference between love, true love and showing off?

 

A: Spit, swallow, gargle

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

 

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

 

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

 

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

 

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

 

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

 

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

 

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

 

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

 

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

 

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

 

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

 

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

 

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

 

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

 

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

 

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

 

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

 

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE.

 

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

REFERENCE

 

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

 

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

 

Sd/-

 

Project Leader

 

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A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

 

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd

numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 

Officer: The car is stolen?

 

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 

Driver: Yes, sir.

 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 

It was valid.

 

Captain: Who's car is this?

 

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 

Driver: No problem.

 

Trunk is opened; no body.

 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

At the Pearly Gates

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

 

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A girl's first experience

 

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

 

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.

 

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

A badly beaten man is brought to the hospital.

He has broken nose, missing teeth, black eyes, signs of strangulation on the neck.

 

The doctor asks him what happened.

 

The man starts:

 

- It was a nice sunny day and my wife and I were playing golf. At a partucularly difficult hole we both hit our balls into the middle of a meadow where some cows were grazing. I was looking for the balls and suddenly noticed that one of the cows had something white under its tail. I stepped closer and lifted the tail. The ball with my wife's monogram was stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. With raised tail in my hand I turned to the wife and called:

 

- Hey, this one looks just like yours!

 

After that I don't remember anything.

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna

were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were

walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

 

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately

ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her

to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally

respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt

right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

 

 

 

 

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

 

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

 

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

 

 

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

 

Spit, swallow, gargle.

Frank goes fishing to the national park. The fish are biting well

and soon his bucket is full of fish.

 

Then comes the ranger: 'Hey you, don't you see that big sign

that says "Fishing Prohibited"?'

 

Frank replies: 'Fishing? Who's fishing"?

 

Ranger: 'You've got a bucket of freshly caught fish, what do you call that?'

 

Frank: 'No mister ranger, you are mistaken. These are my fish. I bring

them here every week, throw them in the lake for a bit of a swim, then

I call them back and take them home.'

 

Ranger shakes his head:' You're putting me on.'

 

Frank: 'Do you want me to show you?'

 

Ranger stares at him. After a while he says: 'All right, let's see.'

 

Frank tips the bucket in the water and the fish swim away.

 

Then Frank and the ranger stand quietly, looking at each other.

 

After a while the ranger says: 'Well?'

 

Frank: 'Well what?'

 

Ranger: 'Aren't you going to call them back?'

 

Frank: 'Call who?'

 

Ranger: 'Your fish.'

 

Frank: 'What fish?'

Driver's License

 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

 

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

 

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'

 

'Now really,' the mother says,

'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

 

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

 

'Well,' says the friend,

'all you need to do is look at her driver's license..

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

 

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

 

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

 

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

 

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

There were two nuns.

 

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL).

 

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

 

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

 

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

 

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

 

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

 

SM: It's not working.

 

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.. He started to walk faster, too.

 

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

 

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

 

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

 

 

 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

 

Then Sister Logical arrives.

 

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

 

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

 

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

 

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

 

SM: And?

 

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me..

 

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

 

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

 

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

 

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.

 

 

 

 

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

 

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down.

 

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

 

Say two Hail Marys!

 

REFERENCE

 

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

 

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

 

Sd/-

 

Project Leader

 

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A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

 

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd

numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.

 

Holiday Spirit

 

A young lawyer was driving her new Lexus when she saw two men eating grass by the road side. She stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", she asked one man.

 

"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

 

"Oh, come along with me then."

 

"But ma'am, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", she said to the other man.

 

"But ma'am, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

 

"Bring them as well!" She called her husband and asked him to come over and take the second man's family.

 

They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Ma'am, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.."