jai-dee

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks! Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman:" Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing". Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

How to conduct an autopsy A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear". At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index"!!!

Doctors' notes on patients charts: (actual notes - unedited!) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993 The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed Discharge status: Alive but without permission Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful The patient refused an autopsy The patient has no past history of suicides Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up She is numb from her toes down While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home The skin was moist and dry Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches Patient was alert and unresponsive Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized The lab test indicated abnormal lover function The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead Skin: Somewhat pale but present The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor Patient was seen in consultation by Dr X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS * I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. * I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. * Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. * Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. * Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. * Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. * It's best for employers that I not work with people. * Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience. * You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. * Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. * I was working for my mom until she decided to move. * Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. * I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. * I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. * I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. * My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. * I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. * Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. * As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. * Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. * Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. * Marital status: often. Children: various. * Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions. * The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. * Finished eighth in my class of ten. * References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

This is courtesy of the Australian Lawyer of 1996. A competition was run calling upon readers to draft the most pompous garbled legaldegook STOP sign of which they were capable. This was the winning entry coming from a solicitor at Mallesons Stephen Jaques in Perth. The prize was a holiday in the Northern Territory. Which I think this person seriously needed. TO ALL THOSE to whose attention these presents shall come, whether alone or in company with others and whether with or without livestock or other animals, or otherwise, whether being lawfully or unlawfully on or about the highway which expression shall include the whole and any part thereof together with its kerbs and verges and all fixtures, fittings, plants, vegetation and other things from time to time thereon or thereabout and all repairs (if any) thereto, upon the boundary or within the curtilage whereof this notice is affixed, TAKE NOTICE that, pursuant to and in due exercise of the powers, authorities and discretions vested under and by virtue of the [insert name of applicable state legislation] Act (hereinafter referred to as "The Aforesaid Act", which expression shall include the said Act as from time to time amended, extended, supplemented, consolidated and renewed, as the case may be, and all regulations, orders or other instruments from time to time duly issued and in force thereunder), the [insert name of applicable statutory authority or body], acting in this matter for and on behalf of itself and its successors in title or authority together with, where the context permits, its members (whether elected or coopted, both during and after their respective periods of office), servants and agents, their respective heirs, successors and assigns, being for the time being the responsible authority designated under and for the purposes of The Aforesaid Act, HEREBY REQUIRE all and any such persons as aforesaid who are or who may at any time be deemed for the purposes of The Aforesaid Act to be the responsible person in control of a vehicle (as defined in The Aforesaid Act) or any part thereof, to cause or procure such vehicle (or such part of a vehicle) to stop, halt and, as the case may be, cease, desist, refrain from all or any movement or motion of any kind in a forward direction for the period from time to time prescribed in The Aforesaid Act or, failing such prescription, for a reasonable period, at, about or in the vicinity of the white line (which expressions includes a line or lines in sundry shades of grey, brown or yellow, as the case may be, whether or not such shade is as originally applied or results from or arises out of the effects of weather, fair wear and tear or the application thereto or accumulation thereupon of extraneous substances of any nature) appearing immediately (or as soon as reasonably practicable) hereafter upon the upper horizontal surface of the said highway as hereinbefore defined and described. The conditions on the reverse of this notice, prescribing and/or describing as the case may be, inter alia, the consequences of and liability for failure or delay (whether willful, reckless or negligent) in complying with the requirements hereinabove contained are hereby deemed incorporated herein and form an integral part hereof. All such persons as aforesaid shall be deemed to have notice of this notice and the contents hereof for all purposes without exception, by virtue only of their use as aforesaid of the said highway or any part thereof, whether or not they or any of them have seen, read or understood this notice in whole or in part.

Pilots and Engineers From actual military "squawk sheets". (Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.) Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. Problem ª1: "ª2 Propeller seeping prop fluid. Solution ª1: "ª2 Propeller seepage normal. Problem ª2: "ª1,ª3, and ª4 propellers lack normal seepage. Problem: The autopilot doesn't. Signed off: IT DOES NOW. Problem: Something loose in cockpit. Solution: Something tightened in cockpit. Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear. Solution: Evidence removed. Problem: Number three engine missing. Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud. Solution: Volume set to more believable level. Problem: Dead bugs on windshield. Solution: Live bugs on order. Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Problem: IFF inoperative. Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for.

Asian Hotel This is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. Room Service: "Morny ... ruin sorbees" Guest: "Sorry ... I thought I dialed room service" Rm. Svc.: "Rye .. ruin sorbees .. morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?" Guest: "Uh, yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs" Rm Svc: "Ow july den?" Guest: "What?" Rm. Svc.: "Ow july den? ... pry, boy, pooch?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs. How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please" Rm. Svc.: "Ow july dee baycheem ... crease?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine" Rm. Svc.: "Hokay. An san toes?" Guest: "What?" Rm. Svc.: "San toes. July san toes?" Guest: "I don't think so" Rm. Svc.: "No? Judo one toes?" Guest: "I feel really bad about this but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means" Rm. Svc: "Toes, toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine" Rm. Svc.: "We bother?" Guest: "No, just put the bother on the side" Rm. Svc.: "Wad??" Guest: "I mean butter ... just put it on the side" Rm. Svc.: "Copy?" Guest: "Sorry?" Rm. Svc.: "Copy ... tea ... mill?" Guest: "Yes, coffee please, and that's all" Rm. Svc.: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?" Guest: "Whatever you say" Rm. Svc.: "Tendjewberrymud" Guest: "You're welcome".

Canadian Revenge A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States." 1

This is an accident report which was printed in the British equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in section 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping, until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs. 1