teddy

I tried a recipe years ago where the main ingredient was coriander. It produced a really vivid green thick sauce and was delicious. I think it was an Indian dish but it could have been from somewhere else. It might have actually been spinach thinking more about it.

At the Silver Dollar, I saw your cock out and then I saw it enter the mouth of a Thai lady who whilst getting on in life still knew the value of a good toothpick after a bit of nut from her Pad Thai had stuck between two loose teeth.

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I watched the Counselor on a plane and had to keep looking around at the start in the munching scene thinking that fellow passengers would think I was watching a porno. After watching I had to think long and hard whether I should give it a 0/10 or a 10/10. I reckon it gets top marks. Unconventional film but it makes you think and had some amazing dialogue. The guy describing Diaz fucking his car windscreen and comparing her pussy to a catfish's mouth moving up the glass of a fish tank was classic.

I just explained Google images to my mum. 'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'. 'Except that.' I said.

What do men and women have in common? Both need tissues after watching a good movie.

Chinese pal of mine told me he had opened a crows shop. I said surely you mean a clothes shop. He said no.... come on in and have rook

There are some horrible bastards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

Should have been 10-1 and Arsenal couldn't have complained. Laughed at this tweet though: "Neil Fitzmaurice @Fitzyfella 1m Man Utd have given Swansea permission to speak to David Moyes even though they haven't asked."

A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, laughed, and responded, "Those aren't postage stamps darling, they're the stickers you get on bananas!"

Hyypia Carragher Henchoz Agger all the rest are just cunts so no point in voting for them. A mixture of drug test dodgers, alcoholic drunk driving gamblers and people who have unfeasibly large fat heads

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

I prefer, "Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs running down the wing, Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs shagging Imogen, He done her up the shitter & now it's all on Twitter.......... Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs" Well done Ryan Giggs, probably one of the only PL footballers who can claim to have tasted his brothers cock.

Fat wife limps into the kitchen and says "didn't you hear me fall down the stairs?" Husband says "sorry love I thought it was the start of Eastenders".

My doctor just told me I need help because I'm a compulsive liar . . . And then she locked the surgery door and sucked me off

Paddy says to Murphy 'have you seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths'!! 'Unbelievable' said Murphy, 'can't believe they all had the same name'!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: "So why are you here ?" The yellow Lab replied: "I'm a pee'er. I pee on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said: "So what’s the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked: "Why are you here?" The black Lab said: "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said. The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. I just can't help it." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and... I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away..." The black and the yellow Labs exchanged glances and said together: "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said: " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Wow, that Hamok is a funny guy

"Phil Jones is the closest all round player he has seen since Duncan Edwards which is some compliment" Or maybe he was taking the piss? If not then that is the funniest thing I have ever read

'I have an erection.' Said Sean Connery when I asked him what kind of phone he had.

Does Sean Connery like herbs? Only partially.

Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty do you want another one?" Paddy says "Why the fuck would l want two empty glasses?"