teddy

My mate told me the other day that my grammar was shit. I had the last laugh though, and told him that his grandad was a cunt.

Watched Kill the Irishman yesterday, brilliant beginning, very good end but the middle bit seemed to be missing?

Husband - "fancy playing rape tonight" Wife - "no" Husband - "thats the spirit"

What does a scottish epilectic have for christmas? A wii fit

A woman asks her doctor "How many calories are in cum?" The doctor replies "If you swallow, no bloke will care that your fat!" ----------------------------------- A lesbian went to weight watchers and the organiser said, 'Remember you are what you eat', the lesbian replied, 'You calling me a cunt?' ------------------------------------ I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. 'What are you doing?' he asks. 'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,' she replied. Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock......'

In the ongoing investigation, police think they have discovered what triggered the heart attack, they believe he may have fallen over a childs pram. But they say it is too early to blame it on the buggie

Rolf Harris has done the artwork for Michael Jackson's latest tour. As a thank you Jacko has promised to do two little boys at the end of each gig...

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?' The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said. 'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'whose next?' The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?' The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '. 'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about honouring her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said .................... '-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'

No it didn't really help at all. It just reminded me where it was :content:

FFFFfffffffixed it. There was a little piece of biscuit wedged underneath stopping it from working. What a drama

And by the way, my ucking computer is bust. The letter between e an g doesn't work anymore, ah uck it It's ucking true

Honestly, ater I posted that I thought exactly the same thing but couldn't be arsed changing it thinking that nobody would spot it. I then went out or a cup o tea in the garden and it occured to me that you would deinitely pick up on it and hey presto.

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a swiss army wife

You have to watch Casino Royale again before you watch Quantum of Solace as it is basically Casino Royale Part 2 and it makes no sense on it's own.

Two Irishmen are on holiday in Florida, camping in the everglades. They see an alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of it's mouth. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "bejesus, would you take a look at that flash bastard in the Lacoste sleeping bag".

Little girl taking a shower with her nan, points down and says, "what's that?" Nan says, "that's my beaver." Next day the little girl is taking a shower with her mum and points down and says, "I know what that is, that's your beaver." "Yes", mum replies, "how do you know that?" "Nan told me, but I think hers is dead cos it's tongue is hanging out".

A man notices a small boy wearing a firemans hat sitting in a cart being pulled along by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dogs testicles. 'That's a nice fire engine' said the man 'but wouldn't the dog pull you faster if you tied the rope to his collar?' 'Yes' said the boy, 'but then I wouldn't have a siren'.

A little boy is found crying in the supermarket. Man says "are you lost?", boy says "yes". Man says "What's your Mummy like?" Boy says "Big cocks and Barcardi Breezers"

IRISH MILLIONAIRE: Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? 'Because he lives in a Fookin clock.

A woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I am really worried, I have been taking steroids and I have seemed to have grown a Penis". The doctor says "Anabolic?" And the woman says "No, just a penis"

Oldie but goodie... Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.' So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......' 'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?' Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet!'

I bought a racehorse today! I've decided to call him "My Face". I don't care if it never wins a race, or makes me any money. I just wanna hear thousands of those fuckin posh bitches at Ascot shouting "Come On My Face!"

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attr active for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow. Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.' Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle! Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. â??Donâ??t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? â??Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss; the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.' Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.' The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined. Teacher: 'Who said â??We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, and we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss' Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.' Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.' Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.' The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?' Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee' Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front 'Yes Rupert.' Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.' Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.' Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming 'WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?' Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss.'