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Posts posted by teddy

  1. A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man replies â??150â? and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.


    The customer is very impressed and thinks, â??This is really cool.â? He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man responds, â??about a 100.â? Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and breasts.


    Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man replies, â??Er, 10, I think.â?Â


    And the robot says real slowly ... â??So did you catch the Man utd game last night?â?Â


  2. An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.


    'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


    'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


    'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.


    Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


    It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.


    The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!


    T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


    'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


    'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.


    He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!


    With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!


    It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'


    'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'


    'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

  3. Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.


    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"


    So then the farmer leaves for the fields.


    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.


    Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."


    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"


    That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.


    Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"


    She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence , says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

  4. The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?


    Suzy raised her hand and said, I think it's your hands.


    Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?


    Suzy replied, Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.


    What a wonderful answer the nun said.


    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, Sister, I think it's your feet.


    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?


    Little Johnny said, Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming.


    If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.


    The Nun fainted.

  5. No, I get the joke alright but I just don't get the song lyrics, I mean, what's a 'swagman'? why is he boiling his mate 'Billy'? who the feck is matilda and why would he want to waltz her? If she is a real doll, then why would he want his mates to join in and waltz her also.


    Plus I refuse to believe that any man in Aussie land is sophisticated enough to do the feckin waltz anyway.


    Feckin confusing the lot of it :confused::confused:

  6. Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,

    Under the shade of a coolibah tree,

    And he sang and he watched and he waited 'til his billy boiled

    "Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me?"

    Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda

    Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me


    Yes, but what does this all mean :dunno:


  7. A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.


    He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'


    Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

  8. Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .


    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.


    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

    Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and geta buzz. You wanna try it?'


    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.




    Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'


    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'


    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'


    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'


    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'


    'What's that?'


    'Have you farted yet?'




    'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

  9. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.


    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.


    So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.


    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

  10. Boy comes home with a big smile on his face, says hi mum hi dad guess what, i just had sex for the first time.


    Dad says thats great son to celebrate i'll buy you that bike you wanted but you will have to wait till pay day.


    Son says. Thats ok dad my arse is too sore to ride it anyway

  11. A little boy asks his dad where Poo comes from,


    Dad explains that food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes introduce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as Poo.


    Blimey says the little boy, so where the fuck does Tigger come from?

  12. Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,


    "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."


    "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.


    There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


    "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien? "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"


    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

  13. I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.


    She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.


    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.


    'What's that?' I asked.


    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.


    I said, 'No' - excitedly.


    We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.


    I went back to her place.


    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,






    'Mom, you still awake?'

  14. A man goes to a 24 hour garage late at night and says to the girl at the window "Can I have a KitKat chunky".


    The girl walks off and returns with a Kit Kit Chunky.


    "No", says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit Kat you fat cunt"!!!!!

  15. A milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customerâ??s door saying, â??I need 45 gallons of milk.â??


    He knocks at the door and a beautiful, dumb blonde answers it. â??Is this a mistake?â?? the milkman asks. â??No,â?? she says. â??I was watching a talk-show and it said bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.â?? â??Really?â?? replies the milkman. â??Do you want that pasteurized?â?? â??No, up to my tits will be fine,â?? she says

  16. Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just

    exactly where the heart would be.

    "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."


    Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

  17. There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says" I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

    The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

    With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock"

  18. Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees

    his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.

    Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

    Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

    Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." and drives off.

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