teddy

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.' So after a moment of thought,he said 'fine' then turned over and farted.

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Sharon : 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's friggin hundreds of them!'

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: ' Sharon .' Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?' Sharon : 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. 'How many children?' asks the council worker. '10' replies the Essex girl. '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?' 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.' 'Doesn't that get confusing?' 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker. 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

Brilliant

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Fat scotch cunt

Most gardeners in Texas these days are illegal Mexican immigrants.

Which one

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. " Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container..... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo. 'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." Mary looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, .................... "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this shit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window. The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared." Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug." His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little [oops]. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Yes, indeed

Have I missed something or have a few posts been deleted

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"