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teddy

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Everything posted by teddy

  1. You have to watch Casino Royale again before you watch Quantum of Solace as it is basically Casino Royale Part 2 and it makes no sense on it's own.
  2. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Two Irishmen are on holiday in Florida, camping in the everglades. They see an alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of it's mouth. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "bejesus, would you take a look at that flash bastard in the Lacoste sleeping bag".
  3. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Little girl taking a shower with her nan, points down and says, "what's that?" Nan says, "that's my beaver." Next day the little girl is taking a shower with her mum and points down and says, "I know what that is, that's your beaver." "Yes", mum replies, "how do you know that?" "Nan told me, but I think hers is dead cos it's tongue is hanging out".
  4. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man notices a small boy wearing a firemans hat sitting in a cart being pulled along by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dogs testicles. 'That's a nice fire engine' said the man 'but wouldn't the dog pull you faster if you tied the rope to his collar?' 'Yes' said the boy, 'but then I wouldn't have a siren'.
  5. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A little boy is found crying in the supermarket. Man says "are you lost?", boy says "yes". Man says "What's your Mummy like?" Boy says "Big cocks and Barcardi Breezers"
  6. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Blue skies and a nice 15 degrees C today. A seagull shat on my bedroom window this morning, poo!
  7. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Teddy' date=' you are of course referring to the Tenth Commandment, which actually said: [b']"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cock, nor his ass, nor his wife's pussy, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."[/b] But it doesn't forbid borrowing it from time to time if permission is granted beforehand You borrow your neighbor's ass? What do you do with it? I strap my plough to it, what do you think I do with it
  8. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Teddy' date=' you are of course referring to the Tenth Commandment, which actually said: [b']"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cock, nor his ass, nor his wife's pussy, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."[/b] But it doesn't forbid borrowing it from time to time if permission is granted beforehand
  9. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's pussy Particularly when it is about 60 years old.
  10. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Feckin noisy this morning, cock a doodle feckin doo and all that shit
  11. teddy

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    Wow, were you on, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
  12. teddy

    Useless Posts

    I don't think he is a naturist but his wife keeps chickens and the eggs are terrific. Candyfloss doesn't like eggs, he refers to them as chickens periods so I don't think he would be interested in seeing the cock.
  13. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Was the second storm worse than the first, not as bad, or similar?
  14. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Do you mean Preston? Candyfloss wants to have a game of golf on the course at the end of my road so you could coordinate with him. You can also see my next door neighbours cock when you are here
  15. teddy

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    Don't be so fecking stupid Munchie I always douse it with baby oil before I shag the tree trunk, comes out easily every time
  16. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Why don't you grow your own mushrooms like I do. Find an old bit of tree log, drill holes in it and fill the holes with dry mushroom spores (or you can actually buy dowels which have been impregnated with mushroom mycelium). Put the log in a black bin bag and dump it somewhere dark and damp, under a hedge would be good. Go back to it in about 6 weeks time and hey presto you will have a crop of delicious fresh mushrooms. Once picked they will grow back again every 6 weeks for about 5 years. I have many tree stumps at the back of my garden and I have 4 different varities on the go including Shitake, Oyster and good old breakfast mushrooms. Now that's feckin useful isn't it
  17. teddy

    Useless Posts

    It was quite a nice sandwich really, a couple of rashers of Old Spot organic bacon topped with a large egg laid fresh yesterday by my next door neighbours hens. I love to break the yolk and let it trickle out of the sides of the sandwich and then mop up the lovely thick yolk with the crusts at the end. Lovely,
  18. teddy

    Useless Posts

    Please dont mention TB's ass before breakfast, that almost put me off my bacon and egg sandwich
  19. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    IRISH MILLIONAIRE: Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? 'Because he lives in a Fookin clock.
  20. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I am really worried, I have been taking steroids and I have seemed to have grown a Penis". The doctor says "Anabolic?" And the woman says "No, just a penis"
  21. teddy

    Useless Posts

    I pretty sure they just sold a used pair of MM's undies on e-bay. :thumbup: yeah, you are correct. I noticed they were bought by a parachute club in Ohio. Must be the credit crunch biting, it's way cheaper to jump out of a plane and float down using a pair of MM undercrackers than it is to buy a proper parachute.
  22. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Oldie but goodie... Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.' So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......' 'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?' Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet!'
  23. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    I bought a racehorse today! I've decided to call him "My Face". I don't care if it never wins a race, or makes me any money. I just wanna hear thousands of those fuckin posh bitches at Ascot shouting "Come On My Face!"
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