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teddy

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Everything posted by teddy

  1. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says" I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock"
  2. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." and drives off.
  3. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    One fine sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was walking by a small stream when he noticed a sad looking frog sitting ona toadstool. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest. "Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really?" said the priest. "Can you explain!" "Once upon a time, when I was an 11-year-old choirboy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by a wicked witch. "'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and, with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you." "That's an incredible story," said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell?" "Yes," replied the frog, "it is said, that if a nice kind person picks me up, takes me home, gives me food, warmth and a good nights sleep thenI will wake up a boy once again." "Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, picking up the frog and taking him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old choirboy beside him in bed. "And that my lord concludes the case for the Defence."
  4. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Hearing as in what you use your ears for and hearing as in court hearing, get it
  5. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
  6. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.' So after a moment of thought,he said 'fine' then turned over and farted.
  7. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
  8. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Sharon : 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
  9. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's friggin hundreds of them!'
  10. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: ' Sharon .' Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?' Sharon : 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
  11. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
  12. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
  13. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. 'How many children?' asks the council worker. '10' replies the Essex girl. '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?' 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.' 'Doesn't that get confusing?' 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker. 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'
  14. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
  15. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Most gardeners in Texas these days are illegal Mexican immigrants.
  16. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. " Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container..... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
  17. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo. 'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'
  18. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
  19. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." Mary looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, .................... "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
  20. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this shit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
  21. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"
  22. teddy

    Any New Jokes

    A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window. The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared." Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug." His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"
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