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teddy

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Posts posted by teddy


  1. I watched Daniel Craig in his latest Bond movie last week and I'm sure there's more storyline in your average porn movie. It was just a bunch of action and I've no idea what it was about. Suppose I'd better watch it again. :(

     

    You have to watch Casino Royale again before you watch Quantum of Solace as it is basically Casino Royale Part 2 and it makes no sense on it's own.

     


  2. Two Irishmen are on holiday in Florida, camping in the everglades. They see an alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of it's mouth.

     

    Paddy turns to Mick and says, "bejesus, would you take a look at that flash bastard in the Lacoste sleeping bag".


  3. Little girl taking a shower with her nan, points down and says, "what's that?"

     

    Nan says, "that's my beaver."

     

    Next day the little girl is taking a shower with her mum and points down and says, "I know what that is, that's your beaver."

     

    "Yes", mum replies, "how do you know that?"

     

    "Nan told me, but I think hers is dead cos it's tongue is hanging out".


  4. A man notices a small boy wearing a firemans hat sitting in a cart being pulled along by his pet dog.

     

    When he gets closer he notices the cart is tied to the dogs testicles.

     

    'That's a nice fire engine' said the man 'but wouldn't the dog pull you faster if you tied the rope to his collar?'

     

    'Yes' said the boy, 'but then I wouldn't have a siren'.


  5. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's pussy :nono:

    Teddy' date=' you are of course referring to the Tenth Commandment, which actually said:

     

    [b']"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cock, nor his ass, nor his wife's pussy, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."[/b]

     

    But it doesn't forbid borrowing it from time to time if permission is granted beforehand :)

     

     

    You borrow your neighbor's ass? What do you do with it?

     

    I strap my plough to it, what do you think I do with it :surprised:

     


  6. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's pussy :nono:

    Teddy' date=' you are of course referring to the Tenth Commandment, which actually said:

     

    [b']"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cock, nor his ass, nor his wife's pussy, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."[/b]

     

    But it doesn't forbid borrowing it from time to time if permission is granted beforehand :)

     


  7. Why don't you grow your own mushrooms like I do.

     

    Find an old bit of tree log' date=' drill holes in it and fill the holes with dry mushroom spores (or you can actually buy dowels which have been impregnated with mushroom mycelium)....[/quote']

    Be careful you don't slip Teddy and accidentally get your cock stuck in one of these small spore holes. :wink:

     

    Don't be so fecking stupid Munchie :shakehead

     

     

     

     

     

    I always douse it with baby oil before I shag the tree trunk, comes out easily every time ;)

     


  8. Why don't you grow your own mushrooms like I do.

     

    Find an old bit of tree log, drill holes in it and fill the holes with dry mushroom spores (or you can actually buy dowels which have been impregnated with mushroom mycelium).

     

    Put the log in a black bin bag and dump it somewhere dark and damp, under a hedge would be good.

     

    Go back to it in about 6 weeks time and hey presto you will have a crop of delicious fresh mushrooms. Once picked they will grow back again every 6 weeks for about 5 years.

     

    I have many tree stumps at the back of my garden and I have 4 different varities on the go including Shitake, Oyster and good old breakfast mushrooms.

     

    Now that's feckin useful isn't it ;)


  9. It was quite a nice sandwich really, a couple of rashers of Old Spot organic bacon topped with a large egg laid fresh yesterday by my next door neighbours hens.

     

    I love to break the yolk and let it trickle out of the sides of the sandwich and then mop up the lovely thick yolk with the crusts at the end.

     

    Lovely, :p


  10. IRISH MILLIONAIRE:

     

    Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

     

    Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

    'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does

    NOT build its own nest?'

     

    A: Sparrow

     

    B: Thrush

     

    C: Magpie

     

    D: Cuckoo

     

    I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

     

    'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

     

    'Are you sure?'

     

    'I'm fookin sure.'

     

    Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

     

    'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

     

    There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

     

    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

     

    'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

     

    'Because he lives in a Fookin clock.


  11. MM and no undies ...what a horrible thought.. :barf::neener:

     

     

     

    I pretty sure they just sold a used pair of MM's undies on e-bay.

     

    :thumbup: yeah, you are correct. I noticed they were bought by a parachute club in Ohio. Must be the credit crunch biting, it's way cheaper to jump out of a plane and float down using a pair of MM undercrackers than it is to buy a proper parachute.

     


  12. Oldie but goodie...

     

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

     

    Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.'

     

    So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad

    passionate sex together.

     

    Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

     

    Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

     

    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

     

    'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.

     

    The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

     

    Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet!'

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