teddy

I think you need to up the prize to around 20,000 bht at least, 5,000 is nowhere near enough to get anyone interested.

Small girls are OK once in a while. I prefer something with a bit more meat. My ideal girl would be 6 ft 4 ins tall, slim with really long legs and 40dd tits. If anybody spots a BG matching this description please let me know

Don't bother, she's a right proper starfish, very dissapointing

Stan no worries' date=' as I said, I was probably being just as provocative as yourself, sometimes my style can get to people more so than out and out insults. It was all in good jest and we have given a few other board members a laugh as well. No damage done and welcome to the select group of pillocks [/quote'] I've obviously missed something whilst away in Haggisland. Where can I read through the deleted posts

A soldier ran up to a nun, and out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your Habit. I'll explain in a minute." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's ran off and the soldier crawled out from under her Habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen I have great pair of balls too....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The City Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Actually DS, thanks for that, you have just reminded me of a thread I was going to post in the health section :thumbup:

Rocket launches from Houston on a mission to Mars. On board are two monkeys and a woman. Houston calls and speaks to monkey 1 " Adjust oxygen twenty percent, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3" The monkey carries out the instructions A little later Houston calls to speak to monkey 2 " Switch off engines 3 and 4, commence radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle " The second monkey completes the tascs perfectly Finally Houston calls to speak to the woman " Feed the monkeys and don't touch any buttons !! "

But not post August 2006 it seems eh Reverend

Good one

Glad to see that 'dont like crisps', is in second place, which is what I voted. Can't stand the things and never have done. I do like dried squid though.

Stupid bastards should know better than to try and get money from a Scotsman

Into a Belfast pub comes old Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's limping. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and I had a fight," says Paddy. "That little guy?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he did give me with it!" "Well," says Sean, "You should've defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," says Paddy "Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

Billy-Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon. "Ya know," says Billy-Bob. "I reckon i'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year i'm gonna do it a little different. These past few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Irene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Irene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and, damn it, Irene got pregnant again. Luther asks Billy-Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year thats different?" Billy-Bob says, "This year i'm taking Irene with me."

What do a 9v battery and a girls arsehole have in common? You know its wrong but sooner or later you ARE going to touch it with your tongue!

A Scottish farmer named Wee Willy McMunchmaster is getting very frustrated as his wife has gone off sex after thirty years of marriage One day he's carrying out his chores and can't help but notice how sexy his sheep are. He decides to take his frustrations out on his sheep but rather than risk his wife finding out, he loads them into his lorry and drives off into the fields He has a great time and feels much happier. This goes on for two weeks, every morning he drives his sheep into the fields and has his wicked way with them one morning however, he awakes feeling unwell and decides to stay in bed. His wife brings him a cup of tea and some Asprin and tells him he needs to rest for the day. A couple of minutes later theres a strange noise coming from the farmyard. The wife runs to the bedroom window and says " Well I never !! " " What is it love ? " " You'll never believe this, the sheep have loaded themselves onto the lorry and one of them is even blowing the horn !!

Guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a stunningly beautiful redhead. As he orders his drink, he glances at her and notices that she looks really sad and says, "Hi. I don't mean to bother you but you look really down: like you may have lost your best friend or something. What's up?" She looks up from her drink and says, "I am sad. Broken hearted really. After 10 years of marriage my husband finally walked out on me last week. He said I was too kinky in bed." The guy says to her, "My God. That's amazing. My wife just left me for the very same reason. She said she couldn't deal with me being so kinky. She left me a month ago." They talk for a while and then the redhead looks at him, shrugs and says, "Listen, we seem to have a lot in common. We're both adults. Why don't we finish our drinks and go to my place. It's just around the corner." They get to her house and she says "I'll be just a minute while I put on something a bit more comfortable. Drinks cabinet's over there; there are beers in the fridge. I'll be right back." She goes into her bedroom, strips down, put on a leather mask, a split crotch vinyl body suit with the nipples cut out, a feather boa, seven inch stiletto heels and picks up a long black whip and a length of heavy rope. She opens the bedroom door but see the guys putting on his coat and heading for the door. "HEY", she yells at him, "I thought we were going to get kinky!" He looks back at her and says, "Kinky? I fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here!"

Question: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut Answer: You can get a drink out of a coconut :smirk:

Ha ha, oldie but goodie :thumbup:

This is the worst I have heard for a while but i'm going to post it anyway One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether "Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A farmer goes out into his field to find all of his cows are frozen solid. He was panic stricken, with his herd all frozen how would he make a living. He started to cry. Just then a little old lady appeared. "What is the matter?" she asked. "Look, look around you at all my cows, they are frozen, what am I going to do to make ends meet!" shrieked the hysterical farmer. The old lady silenced him with a raised finger. She then walked over to the nearest cow and touched it gently on the nose. It immediately started to twitch and in a minute or two was completely normal and started chewing grass. On she went from cow to cow, gently pressing her finger on the nose of each one and each one became normal again. "How can I ever thank you!" said the farmer. The old lady refused his offer and walked off across the field. "You know who that was?" said a passer by. "No." said the farmer. "That was........... .........Thora Hird."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

love the blonde joke