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teddy

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Posts posted by teddy

  1. A rich bloke from deepest Yorkshire goes to the jewellers - "can tha mek us a gold statue o' mi whippet?"

     

    Jeweller asks "18 carat Sir?"

     

    "Naw chewin' a bone, yer daft pillock!"

     

  2. This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies...

     

    Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows How

    many takes).

     

    Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery

    Must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it

    without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants]as you

    read

    ...

     

    This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and

    her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard

    frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

     

    The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let

    Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six

    dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

     

    At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

    suddenly the clock struck twelve. ""Mist all chucking frighty!!!"" said

    Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping

    her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on

    Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Sud denly, Betty

    Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

     

    ""Who's fust jarted??"" asked the prandsome hince.

     

    ""Blame that fugly ucker over there!!"" said Mary Hinge. When the

    stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the

    sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

     

    Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

    knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

    halls and a hig bard on.

     

    He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

     

    Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

  3. Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"

     

    Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

     

    The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

     

    She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.

     

    The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.

     

    Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

     

    The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

     

    Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.

     

    He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."

     

    The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

     

  4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank

     

    proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

     

     

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?

    He wanted to transcend dental medication.

     

     

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

    "But why?," they asked, as they moved off.

    "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

     

     

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

    The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

    Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

    "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

     

     

    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men.

    One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

    The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

    Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

     

     

    A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

    "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a

    teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."

     

     

    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

    One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

    Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

     

  5. Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

     

    First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

    The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job

    or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

     

    Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies,

     

    "But, I wonder what's further up?"

    Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

     

    Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what

    must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

     

    Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.

     

    The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the fucking stairs

     

  6. Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.

     

    The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

     

    He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

     

    Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

     

    Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.

     

    There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

  7. A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.

     

    She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know.

     

    She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

     

    She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5."

     

    The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout.

     

    She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5."

     

    By sheer coincidence, A few customers back was none other than The Munchmaster. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms.

     

    She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did.

     

    She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................

     

    "Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

  8. The Munchmaster meets a girl in the bar and takes her back to his place, undressing in front of her he removes his socks and the girl asks, whats up with his feet as his toes are all mangled

     

    " I had tolio as a child "

     

    " Don't you mean Polio ? "

     

    " No, Tolio, only affected my feet "

     

    He proceeds to take his kecks off and she notices his knees are lumpy and deformed

     

    " I had Kneesles when I was little "

     

    " Don't you mean Measles ? "

     

    " No Kneesles, only affected my knees "

     

    He then took off his undies

     

    " Don't tell me " she said " SMALLCOX "

     

     

  9. The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye... "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now."

     

    Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

     

    "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

     

    "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

     

    The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces:

    "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

     

    "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

     

    The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

    "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

     

    "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

     

    Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

    "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

     

    "I really am terribly sorry sir", says the young assistant, "I've just realised..........

     

    I was playing you the Bee side."

  10. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all playing golf and their wives are acting as their caddy's.

     

    At the first hole the englishman's wife trips over and goes arse over tit landing legs akimbo to reveal she has no knickers on.

     

    "Good Lord" exclaims the englishman "What is going on here"

     

    "Well," says the wife "You don't give me enough housekeeping to get knickers"

     

    Full of shame the englishman throws her a £20 note "Get yourself to M&S and get some underwear"

     

    At the next hole the irishman's wife trips and exposes her minge.

     

    "Begorrah, what the fook" says the oirishman. Again the wife explains she doesn't get enough housekeeping for undergarments.

     

    The oirishman throws a tenner at her "Get to C&A for some keks and oi want me change"

     

    Inevitably at the next hole the scotsman's wife tumbles over, all beaver showing.

     

    "Och for focks sake woman," he yells throwing her his comb "At least tidy yersel up a bit"

     

  11. A man walked into a bar in his hotel in Paris and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222."

     

    The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

     

    The man laughed again and touched the monkey.

     

    He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him.

     

    The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

     

    Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed.

     

    The man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

     

    The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

     

    The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it."

  12. Paddy goes into a hardware store and asks the guy behind the counter for a clock, the assistant asks him, 'What type of clock would you like?'

     

    Paddy: 'I'd like one made out of potatoes please'.

     

    Assistant: 'I've never heard of a clock made out of potatoes before, what kind of clock is it? Is it a grandfather clock? An alarm clock? A carriage clock? etc.'.

     

    Paddy: 'It's an alarm clock'.

     

    Assistant: 'I'm sorry sir I've never heard of an alarm clock made out of potatoes'.

     

    Paddy: 'Well you must have one, my boss told me to buy one!'.

     

    Assistant: 'What exactly did your boss say to you?'.

     

    [You need you're best Irish accent for this bit]

     

    Paddy: 'He said that I wouldn't be late for work in the morning if I got a potato clock'.

  13. A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

     

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

     

    The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

     

    "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

     

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?"

     

    "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."

     

    "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

     

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

  14. A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

     

    She slams the door in disgust.

     

    The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".

     

    She slams the door again.

     

    Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

     

    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

     

    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. â??Do you have a vagina".......

     

    "Yes" she says......

     

    The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

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