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teddy

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Posts posted by teddy

  1. Queen mother goes to heaven and is walking round some beautiful gardens when she bumps into Princess Diana

     

    "Hi Gran, how are you?" says Diana

     

    "Oh, not to bad thankyou. Where do you go to get your Halo?" askes Queen Mum

     

    "Halo?" says a puzzled looking Diana.

     

    "Yes. Like the one you have arround your head" says the Queen Mum

     

    "Thats a Fucking steering wheel!" squeels Diana

     

  2. Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman, are talking about where they got their names.

     

    "My name is George, because I was born on St. George's Day" says the Englishman.

     

    "My name is Andrew, because I was born on St. Andrew's day, says the Scotsman.

     

    They both turn to the Irishman, and say, "What day were you born on, Pancake?!"

     

  3. Two blondes are walking down the road and they stumble across a mirror, the first one picks it up and looks at it and says "i know the face but cant put a name to it ?"

     

    so the second blonde grabs the mirror off her and says "are you stupid its me"

  4. A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant Bill.

     

    "Bill, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients".

     

    "Yes, sir!" answers Bill.

     

    The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Bill, how was your day?"

     

    Bill told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

     

    "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

     

    "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Bill.

     

    "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

     

    "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

     

    "Tunderin' lard aalmighty Bill, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

     

    "I put drops in her eyes."

  5. An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how heâ??s feeling. The 80-year-old says, â??Iâ??ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?â?Â

     

    The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. â??I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.

    He raised his cane and went â??bang, bangâ??. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?â?Â

     

    The 80-year-old said, â??Iâ??d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.â?Â

     

    The doctor replied, â??My point exactly.â?Â

  6. A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

     

    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

     

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

     

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

     

    "Tiger Woods."

     

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

     

    "Yeah."

     

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

     

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

     

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

     

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

     

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

     

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

     

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

     

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

     

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

     

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

     

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

     

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

     

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

     

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

     

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

     

    When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

     

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

     

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this feckin hole!"

  7. A man is giving his wife one when in walks their little lad

     

    his Dad just starts to laugh embarrassed and playfully throws a pillow at him

     

    couple of minutes later when he's finished he goes into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandma

     

    his Dad is horrified

     

    " What the hell are you doing !! "

     

    " Yeh, not so funny when its your Mum is it !! "

  8. :applause: :grin:

     

    Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

     

    The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

     

    The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

     

    The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

     

    The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"

     

    The first bloke says, "Who gives a fuck, let's look for yours."

  9. Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

     

    "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

     

    Archie nods approvingly.

     

    "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

     

    "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

     

    "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

  10. A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

     

    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

     

    The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

     

    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

     

    The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

  11. Good one :thumbup:

     

    Reminded me of this one...

     

    Three new honeymooners were having dinner together when the ladies went to powder their noses

     

    The boys got together and suggested a competition:

     

    "Right tomorrow morning when we come down for breakfast you have to order as many slices of toast as the amount of times you've had sex with your missus, the winner doesnt buy a beer for the rest of the holiday" they all agree....

     

    The next morning the first man says "can I have three slices of toast please"

     

    The second man says with a grin "can I have four slices of toast please"

     

    The third man winks and says "can I have five slices of toast and can you make two of them brown?"

     

  12. You must have had one too many last night to celebrate your birthday, that jokes on this thread twice already :neener:

     

    Here's one...

     

     

    A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

     

    Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.

     

    Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

  13. Of course he would, because Scots have class. He would step over them, pick up the whisky and, while gazing at their beautiful bodies and deciding what would be the best position with which to pleasure them all at the same time, slowly drink the whisky, savouring every last drop of nectar and comparing it to the juices that would soon be flowing from the wet pussies in front of him, then disrobe and shag them.

     

    An Aussie would of course fall flat on his face, in his urgency to get his strides off while still wearing his shoes, and make a right arse of himself.

     

    Aye, classy lots the Jocks aren't they :shakehead:shakehead:shakehead

     

    eg025.jpg

     

    funfire-de-1161273892-42.jpg

     

  14. Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

     

    "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

     

    "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

     

    "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

     

    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

     

    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my cock to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

     

    "Sensible" says Jeff.

     

    "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, negligee you ever saw."

     

    "And what happened then?" said Jeff

     

    "I kicked her in the face."

  15. A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

     

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

     

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

     

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

     

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

     

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

     

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

     

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

     

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

     

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

     

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

     

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

     

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

     

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

     

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs. Three hours later the genie rolled over, looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

     

    He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

  16. If that was the case, then I can only assume that the Edinburgh jocks were Hearts or Hibs fans going to watch their team play either Rangers or Celtic in Glasgow. What the feck were the English fans doing. Did they support either Hearts or Hibs and if they did, what the feck where they doing living in Edinburgh?

     

    Torneyboy has got some explaining to do :mad:

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