Hamokhamok

Some of you might see some merit in this video I found on Youtube

HOW TO CRAP AT WORK

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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

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When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

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The act of scouting out a toilet before crapping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the toilet.

ESCAPEE

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A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

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When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

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The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has

to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

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Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the toilet. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER

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A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the toilet with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the toilet.

THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (C.F.N)

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A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet crappers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

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A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the toilet.

TURD BURGLAR

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Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

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A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the toilet that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

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A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the toilet immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.

WATERMELON

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A crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET

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A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

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A toilet user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other toilet attendees.

Katie Price is like a toilet at Glastonbury.

Full of shit and constantly engaged.

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What is the difference between Panties & a Stage curtain?

When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over, but when you pull down the Panties….. it's showtime..

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Katie Price has been rodgered more times than a police radio..

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Snow white as been sacked from disneyland, alligations are flying around, she sat on pinnocios nose, and said, .... lie ya bastard , lie

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Signboard outside a prostitute’s house:

Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy'.

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I suspect my sex mad, dyslexic idiot of a boyfriend in fucking about on me.

I keep finding scribbled notes with "I love Jenny Talia" all over the house...

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A naive paddy was walking through London's soho district. He was a strapping big lad and a tart took a fancy to him and decided to give him a freebie. They went back to her pad and she sussed out that he hadn't a clue. However, he took to it like a duck to water and gave a good account of himself. She said to him, we'll have a 69er. "WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT" he says. She explained the whole procedure to him and he said "Sure it will do no harm" At it they went. After a couple of minutes, she farted. "Oh for fucks sake" he says but gamely carries on. Another fart was emitted, but he fanned it away and carried on. Then a particularly loud fart escaped . Paddy jumped up and said "SORRY MISS, BUT I COULDN'T STICK ANOTHER 66 OF THOSE !"

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Oscar Pistorius had a previous conviction in 2011. It was for drunken driving------------ HE WAS FINED 500 RAND AND DISMANTLED FOR 12 MONTHS.

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A guy picked a tasty bird up in a pub. they drank all afternoon and then went back to her house. they had sex all night. the guy eventually fell asleep. at about 3am he wakened to find her fondling him. "are you looking for more sex ?" he asked. "no" she said, " i'm just admiring your cock........I REALLY MISS MINE "

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After suggesting an early night with a sultry wink I was lying in bed watching my wife getting undressed.

I said to her "Don't take the shoes off babes"

As she climbed onto the bed on all fours she replied "Does that do it for you honey?"

"Not really," I replied "but after this you'll need to nip back down and put the bins out"

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A women goes to her doctors and says to him I have found 3 lumps up my fanny,the doctor gets her to lie on the bed and he has a feel at her fanny.

When he finishes the examination he says there is three lumps about the size of large marbles ,he puts the head lamp on and takes a closer look,after a minute he pops his head up and says there green.

He goes to his text books and looks for 3 green lumps the size of marbles,after a hour he is completely baffled of what they could be.He finally asks the lady what she does for a living,I'm a prostitute she says.slamming the book shut he says I no what it is.

Is it serious she asks,no he says,do you no when boxers have been fighting for years and they get cauliflower ears,she says yes,he says you have brothel sprouts.

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I'm not saying Katie Price has a slack fanny..

But she only realised she was six months pregnant when she noticed footprints in her knickers.

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Three young lads were standing outside one of their houses chatting. Parked close by were an Aston Martin, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini. One lad said "when I finish my education, I am going to become a barrister and have one of those Astons" The second lad said, "Im going into banking and have a Ferrari" The third lad said, " I'M going to learn to suck cocks, because thats what my sister does and those are her three cars"

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Gerry Adams has being arrested on suspicion of being involved in a murder....

That's like suspecting Jordan of being a slut,

Or Piers Morgan of being a cunt.

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A mother and her dyslexic son are out for the day when he asks if he can have a McDonald's for lunch.

"Only if you can spell 'McDonalds'," she replies smugly.

"Fuck it," he says. "KFC it is!"

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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I just gave my wife a dozen roses.

Chubby bitch ain't having the rest of the tin though!!..

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A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little house in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed a garage."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Madam, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madam, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Two old men talking in a pub . One told the other that he'd been married 3 times . First wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms . Second wife also met the same fate . What about the third wife ? Oh she was strangled .....................wouldn't eat her mushrooms !

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This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn’t need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he’ll give him a job.

A few minutes later a customer comes in. “Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?†The guy says, “I need some grass seed.†So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, “How about a lawn mower to go with this.†“What do I need a lawn mower for?†“Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with.†“Yea, OK, I’ll take a lawn mower too.†After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, “That’s how it’s done. Can you do that?†The kid said, “Sure.â€

So the next customer comes in and says, “I need some Tampax.†The kid says, “Yes sir.â€, and goes after them. When he gets back he says, “Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?†The guy says, “What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?†The kid replies, “You might as well cut the grass cause your weekend is fucked anyway !!!!!

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices.

“But you’re balder than I am,†protested the customer.

“True,†admitted the barber, “but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a mustache!â€

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?†she asked.

“Crutches???†the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,†the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?â€

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?†she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,†the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,†she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,†breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?â€

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,†she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?†the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,†she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room..

I was watching a elderly couple on the next table in my local café.They had between them a single piece of toast and one cup of tea.The man cut the toast into two and pushed it to the lady who took a piece ,he then poured half of the tea into a empty cup and passed it the lady. I leant over and said to him that was so nice of him . "oh we share everything " "yes I noticed that but you haven't touched your piece of the toast yet." No Im waiting for the teeth.

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* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "

The man says, "I make a good living.

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* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

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* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

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* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one

who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor

gave him another six months.

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* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

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* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

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* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?

"The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

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* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

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* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.

"The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

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*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

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* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

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*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese

food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton

spelled backward is Not Now.

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*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.

In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

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Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

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*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

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*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

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*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

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Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.

I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

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Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

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A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.

On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already?

Didn't you like the blue one?"

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,

"Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

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Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "But be fair! You were only eleven at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eiffel Tower Modifications are now Complete

Not really a joke.

This is worth a look. Remember this next time you are driving close to a truck with oxy bottles in the back.

Just click on the link below and watch the oxy bottles explode

Idea to save money

New South African Toilet Door Lock.

This one deserves an Oscar!

Why Women Move to Queensland

Complete and Finished

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "But be fair! You were only eleven at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Only 30 seconds long.

You have seen her in many Victoria Secret ads on TV, now you get the whole picture.

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Ever wonder what could be worse than a colonoscopy? Now you know....

www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of

a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three

Little Pigs to her class. She came to the

part of the story where first pig was trying to

gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with

the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon

me sir, but may I have some of that straw to

build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And

what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A

talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.