Hamokhamok

S iamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?""Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees."Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...""Nah, we don't like that British Stuff ," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real. Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day. Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00. We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints. At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again. Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch. Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts. Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard. I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had fuck all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be nearly 132 if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed". He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Relative Titty

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice ?' The woman replies, 'It's Keith , the dwarf.'*

A lady walked into a London Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

A rugby-union fan is drinking in a Cardiff bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Welsh baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Wales ... like I said, my boy's a typical Welsh baby boy. Going to be a rugby player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted away with sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Welsh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'Twenty pounds? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Welsh man takes a slow swig of his Leek’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found her self staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

NOT PC BUT HERE GOES ANYWAY It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water! cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ... Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family.. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast. Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a million pounds worth of improvements. Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby... They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London .. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives." "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."! "Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him..........he daren't cough now!!"

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Fifty Sheds Of Grey We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,†she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.†So I took her to Bunning’s. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. “Put on this rubber suit and mask,†I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!†she purred. “Yes,†I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.†“I’m a very naughty girl,†she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.†So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. “Harder!†she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!†“Okay,†I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?†I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. “Are you sure you can take the pain?†she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,†I gulped. “Here we go, then,†she said, and showed me the receipt. “Hurt me!†she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,†I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.†“Are you sure you want this?†I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.†She nodded. “Okay,†I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay. “Punish me!†she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!†“Very well,†I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f*****g skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." ------------------------------------------------------------ Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk". Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab" ------------------------------------------------- An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "Queensland." "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this f****n' place!" ----------------------------------------------------------- An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Bundaberg. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a Job Centre! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my tallywacker out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes." Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great ! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating..... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One way of sorting out the do-gooders!! This is brilliant and shows just how bloody dumb these do gooders are. A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. She received back the following reply: National Defense Headquarters M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defense

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new car.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking: Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Enjoy

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f*****g skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk". Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab" An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "Queensland." "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this f****n' place!" An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Bundaberg. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a Job Centre! A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!" The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious! My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my tallywacker out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes." Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot." I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great ! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating..... A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?" Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack. The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

Not necessarily a joke but good nevertheless. Yikes!!! http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1FzYg?autoplay=1&modestbranding=1&rel=0&showinfo=0

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