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My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well. All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Children Writing About the Ocean. They say (& write) the darndest things Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared. 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 ) 2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7) 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8) 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7) 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6) 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6) 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish. Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt? Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too. Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt? Scot: Aye, and neither do I. Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room? Scot: Aye, I also do the same. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct? Scot: Aye, I be that, too. Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs. Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

"Dogs Welcome" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed And very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Sod it, let's offend everyone! I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days." I told him "I wish I had your will power....". I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "Sorry about the wait." I said "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually." I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?". I said "No, you're still black". Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment." Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that. Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?"' The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there." I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair?'. Apparently the correct answer was Fiji . A woman has a medical at the Doctors. "You are grossly overweight" he says. "I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well"

Restroom Poetry The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms (fill in the blanks using your imagination): Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to **** But only farted Here I sit What a caper I have to **** But I'm out of paper You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart, And **** my pants! Some people come here to take a ****, I came here to leave one. Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to **** and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bull**** on the walls... Here I sit, I'm at a loss trying to **** out taco sauce. When it comes, I hope and pray, I don't blow my ass away (Written high upon the wall) If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you. (Seen above a urinal) Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays! (Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands") I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

Be careful what you buy. http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

Childbirth at 65 Too good not to pass on, Enjoy!!! Another great one! With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.â€Bugger that†says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men. My doctor's nurse (Michelle) takes my BP like this all the time. My pressure is normal.... 522 over 418. That's OK, isn't it???

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Texting Codes For Seniors Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes: * ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL- Living on Lipitor * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * TOT- Texting on Toilet * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't knowJack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a Son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you Can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH. REMEMBER: IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT

Next time you go to the public toilets (men's) you may observe one of the following types of vistors: Excitable Type - Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type - Joins pals for a piss whether he needs one or not. Timid Type - Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type - Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool. Indifferent Type - All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type - Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type - Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type - Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type - Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type - Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type - Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type - Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the bloke next to him. Sloppy Type - Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later. Learned Type - Reads a book or newspaper while peeing. Childish Type - Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing. Efficient Type - Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time. Strong Type - Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops. Drunken Type - Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers. Embarrassed Type - Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers. Cock-Eyed Type - Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield......... Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

You have to admire the directness of age. Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!" "Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. * A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The s@x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" * I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." * My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back. * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

A selection of jokes for you all. Maybe some of you won't like them but they are being put here as a laugh. My new abo neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey bro, what’s going down?†I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!†One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.†I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!†____________________________________________________ Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!†____________________________________________________ Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.†He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!†____________________________________________________ What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home! ____________________________________________________ A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!†____________________________________________________ Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!†------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!†Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. ____________________________________________________ Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ____________________________________________________ My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.†I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!†____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?†Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly†wasn’t the right answer. ____________________________________________________ My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.