Hamokhamok

Good one Flash

French fighter pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’ Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. ‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’ She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’ Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’ She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’ Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’ Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’

Downton Abbey - "Aplomb" His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?" "Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." "What word is that?" asked His Lordship. "Aplomb," My Lord. "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needsâ€. "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." "That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender." "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

In a Bangkok Temple : IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A Laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

Paraprosdokians A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The Moral of This Story is....BRILLIANT!!!! This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story... In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.' There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.' There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!' It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it.... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank, But I can tell you there's more... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly... And that bear grabs for that fish... The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich.' A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch time) 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, Then I can have mouse for lunch.' The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse, And the mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. NOW, The Moral Of The Story... Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger. Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Teacher: Who is the president of the United States? John: I don't know Miss. Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies. John: Miss, can I ask you a question? Teacher: Yes. John: Do you know Angela? Teacher: No, why? John: You need to focus more on your husband!

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister C atherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________ PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off..

Mates A man invites his mate back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?" "’Cos he's thinking of getting married."

Melbourne Control Tower You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne . Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite! Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R." Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R � Allah be Praised." Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L." Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great." Pause.... Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !" Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..." Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!" Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

ROBOT FOR SALE A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother! End of Story P.S. Robot For Sale

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... As ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff. 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT ! ! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

Blonde Who Married a Catholic On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie, and then with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Then she asked, "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

Urology Surgery When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks? Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral. But 'Wake up Maggie" may not be everyones favourite... -------------------------------------------------- It's not that the working classes resent paying £10m to bury Thatcher, they just resent the fact they waited until she was dead. ------------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated. Unfortunately, we've no coal left ------------------------------------------- David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence. It starts, "I regret to inform you that due to recent events, you now have too many bedrooms..." ------------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher has passed away. My thoughts are with Satan and the denizens of Hell at this most difficult and trying time for them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Manchester Derby didn't hold a minutes silence for Margaret Thatcher before kick off last night, which I thought was disrespectful, but at least Man City sent an Argentinian sub in the second half. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Michael Jackson? Margaret Thatcher didn't like miners. ---------------------------------------------------------- The makers of the Margaret Thatcher life story film have said they are putting it on hold until she dies to ensure a happy ending. --------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher has been admitted to hospital. She is not expected to live - her condition is described as satisfactory -------------------------------------------------- I just watched a documentary about Margaret Thatcher. It had the warning "May Not Be Suitable For Miners" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral. It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin. ------------------------------------------------------- So we've had an Argentinian Pope for 2 weeks, and Margaret Thatcher dies. Coincidence? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwed the miners, the other screwed Majors -----------------------------------------------------------------

Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: cost : $29..99 Clinton: cost : $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ….basically the same thing.

Very little of it left now.

The Jewish ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........." "What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?" _______________________________________________ Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "Time's up?" ___________________________________________________________________________ Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb..... but all men...are men! ___________________________________________________________________________ Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. You hang in there, sunshine!

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees, I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face...... My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham . I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.†Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.†Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.†Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?†It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off! Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!" An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!" Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!! Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet" He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!" A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's beenconfiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more