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Hamokhamok

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Everything posted by Hamokhamok

  1. Unhappy Muslims - I have to admit, this is brilliant...never heard it put this way...so to the point...plain and simple!!! THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!; They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran .. They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen .. They're not happy in Afghanistan .. They're not happy in Pakistan .. They're not happy in Syria .. They're not happy in Lebanon .. SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?; They're happy in Australia . They're happy in Canada. They're happy in England .. They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland . They're happy in Denmark . Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! AND THEN, they want to change those countries to be like.... THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
  2. For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
  3. A couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis with a weight on the end. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "how about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How's our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
  4. A recent article in the Essex ‘Express & Star’ reported that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...â€
  5. THE MEDIUM In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" For some reason, women tend to like this joke ...
  6. Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says: "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, and handsome, young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful, the likes of him neither she, nor the world, had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man, she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, as he whispered ... "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered"
  7. Job Description Someone once asked me, what is your job?" I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor." Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it?
  8. Ok Ok Ok its the f....king joke thread. Perhaps Khun Sanuk can transfer my thread to an appropriate place so that certain people can sleep at night.
  9. Try this instead and see if it works http://upchucky.us/
  10. Ooooooooooooooooopppppppppppppppssssssssssssssssss I'll look at it again.
  11. Not a Joke. Music for those who like it. Just click on the date Hope it works 1940 1950 1960 1970 1980 1990 1941 1951 1961 1971 1981 1991 1942 1952 1962 1972 1982 1992 1943 1953 1963 1973 1983 1993 1944 1954 1964 1974 1984 1994 1945 1955 1965 1975 1985 1995 1946 1956 1966 1976 1986 1996 1947 1957 1967 1977 1987 1997 1948 1958 1968 1978 1988 1998 1949 1959 1969 1979 1989 1999
  12. The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
  13. Happy Ending Massage Parody - Sociallunchbox.com HAPPY ENDING
  14. David Letterman’s Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex... #10... A below par performance is considered damn good. #09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #07... Foursomes are encouraged. #06... You can still make money doing it as a senior. #05... Three times a day is possible. #04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. #03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. #02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...... #01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
  15. Turner Brown Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Newfie says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Thunderin Jeezus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
  16. Lexiphiles - Some examples - Fun & thought provoking Daily English lesson Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . . like . . .. you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . .etc.). To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate. A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground. The batteries were given out . . . free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail. A will is a . . . dead giveaway. If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner. You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under. A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory. A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes. When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered. He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed. Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.
  17. Catholic Hairdryer In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings: Getting a hairdryer through Customs. An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
  18. One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. "Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented. David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'." The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?" " Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.." The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." "Probably a good thing you did," David responded."Your name came up 7 times."
  19. He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!
  20. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault ..... I should have taken them off first. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night .......... or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. I woke up this morning at 8.00 and could feel something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.I told her, "Only you ..... All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh!" I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
  21. Thanks Belgian Boy. I wouldn't have known the difference. I got it as a 'German' funny film.
  22. German short film where a patient is inspected by a doctor, who takes the opportunity to teach medical residents what a rectal obstruction is (She can't shit) If you know German, perfect. And if not, you will understand ... I swear. Click on the link below, please. http://www.youtube.com/embed/jsseUBFDDuo Enjoy.
  23. "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
  24. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out. Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted................ "OK, OK! So I can't park the fucking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!" =================================================================================== A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
  25. Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the Bloody thing up. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to Avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging About!" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his Feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe". ... ………………. An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always Fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be In the bloody boat."
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