bust

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked,"What in The world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, ."Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I am a 55 year old father with a 35 year old unmarried daughter. What the hell do you think I am doing? I'm watching Football with my son-in-law. Please bring us another beer"

I really enjoyed Blame It On Rio....relate to the Michael Caine and Michelle Johnson characters. She was hot

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!" So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other. "Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!" "You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says. "Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?" "50 cents."

This guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache". His wife, still lying in bed looks up. "If I may correct you dear. That is a sheep". The guy replies "If I may correct you dear. I wasn't talking to you".

Three ladies are at the doctor for an IQ test. The doctor says to the first lady, "What is three times three"? "274" was her reply. The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second lady. The doctor says to the third lady, "OK, AQ your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says AQ. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says AQ. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

Half way through Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Went and saw the Soloist....very disappointed.

Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is.... "Top of the morning to you etc., etc" Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?" says the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "What're dey for?" enquires the Cork man "They're for putting my balls on when I'm driving" Tiger replies. "Jaysus!", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fookin' everyting!!!"

I've actually read the story about the Alton attorney...quite bizzare.

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests? " "Pay first", says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK", the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila ... the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second, there's a pit bull chained out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands." "Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things .." "Your call", says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body. "Now", he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

A Chinese Olympic woman swimmer was talking with one of her team members about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places. When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my testicles."

I thought Ned squeeled well. One of the high points of the filum.

Milk.....errr is that gay

The Hangover.....LMFO Also the Bourne trilogy which I consider the best action flicks around.

Tried that in the news thread :content: According to his lawyers Micheal's will contained a clause where a commorative toy whistle shaped like himself was to be released after his death. He thought it only fair the kids had a chance to blow him for a change.

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!†Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!â€Â

Last couple I watched were the original Gods must Be Crazy and The Atomic Cafe. My kids didn't really understand the full consequences of nuclear weapons and Indiano Jones kind of downplayed it his latest crap movie

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff? Tequila!!!!!!

Yeah but some get the bill paid for them....several times

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at five hundred for a hand-job." Guy says, "five hundred dollars! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, own them because I give a hand-job that's worth five hundred." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000?" The hooker replies, "1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of 1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Little Johnny arrives home from school and there is grandma sitting on the lounge fast asleep. To his surprise she has her legs spread apart, knickers around her ankles and her dress pulled up. Johnny races into his mother in the kitchen "Mummy mummy grandma is asleep on the lounge and she has her legs spread apart and her dress pulled up and she's got a big oyster between her legs" "Now now Johnny" says his mother "That's not an oyster that's Grandma's genital" To which Johnny replies "Well it sure tastes like and oyster"

Why don't blind people like sky diving? Because it scares the dogs. I know not very PC but I thought it was funny and actually came from a brail joke book.

Why are Lawyers like sperm? Because 1 out of every million turns out to be a human being.

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

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