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candyfloss last won the day on July 14 2014

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  1. I recently met a lovely Lebanese lady. We get married next Tuesday. She speaks good English, she's very presentable, she cooks, she cleans, and the nookie ain't too bad. No-one can say the Lebanese are fat, lazy and ugly.
  2. This is a warning to men who may be regular Tesco or Asda customers. Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few odd's and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 25-26 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their huge breasts almost falling out of their skimpy little T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, playing with your erection through your trousers, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on April 2nd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 12th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, twice this morning, and it's very likely to happen again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
  3. Uncle Kev is dead. It is with a profound sense of sadness that I must advise the Board Members that my Uncle Kev has passed away. He was hit by an Irn-Bru truck on his way to the Bookies. He leaves behind an Auntie Betty, and an impressionable young nephew. He was a visionary. An enlightened soul, ahead of his time. A selfless and tireless humanitarian, whose only purpose was to serve. I'm now on the lookout for a replacement Mentor. Munchmaster?
  4. Hello Mr / Mrs Mekong - are you a Thai girl? Would you turn your nose up at a medium-sized cock?
  5. Contrary to my Uncle Kev's advice, I've decided that Thai Girls are lovely and that I'd like to meet one and forge a lasting relationship. How does one go about this? Should I relocate to the Land of Smiles and learn da lingo? How long does it take to obtain one? I have few prospects. And only a moderately sized cock. Is this enough? My Uncle Kev would of course come and visit.
  6. Hee Hee. Ha Ha. Ho Ho. Arf Arf. Snigger Snigger. Tee Hee. What a hoot. A cracker. A belter. :) :) :biggrin: But No.
  7. My Uncle Kev says Wikipedia represents a simplistic refuge for a new-generation of IT-literate lazy people with no intellect or capacity for true study and research. My Uncle Kev also has a big cock.
  8. My Uncle Kev says the problem with the Thai language is its difference to the English language. He says everybody should just speak English. As this would avoid any misunderstandings.
  9. Hoo. Hoo. I'm still laughing. Any others?
  10. My Uncle Kev agrees that he has some outstanding leadership qualities. He says he has lots more to say - if only people would listen. But he says never to listen to women.
  11. I'd say that's more of a "bell-end". Good try though
  12. GENTLEMEN. Upon leaving your favourite adult store into a busy street, affect an expression of utter shock, just in case OWNERS OF mouse circuses. A Toblerone bar makes an ideal bike rack for your display team's motorcycles when they are not in use OLYMPIC commentators. Inform the audience how old the female gymnasts are before they start their routine, thus preventing any illegal thoughts involving their flexibility NEED TO measure an alligator but only have a school ruler? Simply measure the distance between its eyes in inches, to give its overall length in feet. ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking OLD PEOPLE. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. OLD PEOPLE. Each night, go to sleep in the recovery position, potentially saving paramedics valuable time MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone
  13. Ha Ha. That's Brilliant. Offal. Awful. Gettit? Ha Ha. Ho Ho. Superb.
  14. I'm sure we've all used a fake penis once in a while. I know my Uncle Kev has.
  15. candyfloss


    My Uncle Kev He's Sixty-Nine; But looking Fine; He runs a Pub; And a Club; He goes to Spain; To Entertain; And comes back-again; He likes the Footy; And the Booty; He smokes his Fags; And reads his Mags; My Uncle Kev; Isn't really my Uncle
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