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Everything posted by The_Munchmaster

  1. Am 85 year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked why he handn't provided a semen sample and the old man replied, "Well doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it beteen her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour to help?" The old man replied, "Yep, and still we couldn't get the jar open."
  2. An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move. "You know", says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So let's talk." The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know", says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK", says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The American guy is dumfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me", says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
  3. An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like". An Englishman gives it a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix. An Irishman gives it a piano, which it plays better than Elton John. A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "Whit's wrong, can ye no play it?" The Octopus replies, "Play it? I'm going to fuck her brains out just as soon as I get her pyjamas off."
  4. It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and Invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
  5. A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."
  6. Poor effort Teddy. :thumbdown: Not up to your usual high standards.
  7. This morning on the way to work, whilst not really paying attention, I rear ended a car at some lights. Anyway, the fella who was driving the car I hit got out.....and he was a dwarf!!!! He said, "I'm not happy." I said, "Well which one are you then?"
  8. A big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting in the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's finished the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
  9. Actually Teddy, the big pause was probably because the polar bear couldn't decide which mixer to have with his brandy. In the end though I think his choice of coke (hopefully not Pepsi) was a good choice as coke (Coca Cola) does complement brandy quite nicely.
  10. A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down and a lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up to him and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a bit of fun with her, so when he raeched the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
  11. What's going on here Zob? You joined Teddy in his current Munchie baiting phase?
  12. It would have to have been a really big bucket or a very small goose (perhaps a graham gosling) for that to have happened?
  13. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight over to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 nearly 100 year old people having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny, "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." At this point she stopped to brush away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
  14. A pussy op and she was out for two weeks?
  15. He must have had a fucking huge oven!
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