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Everything posted by The_Munchmaster

  1. DUCT TAPE Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything. Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show. "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
  2. You probably have to be an Aussie to get this one. Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" The other one replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
  3. I'm quite sure if you had tested positive you would have been totally devastated.
  4. A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him. "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you." The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper. "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
  5. A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
  6. An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car. As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American. The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!" The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!" The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!" The Canadian thinks "I canâ??t wait â??til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
  7. Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
  8. A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm sorry sir but I'm fresh out. However I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks if he needs any help. The guy sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file, but be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The guy thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home. A few weeks later, the guy wanders into the hardware store and the owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports that the "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed off too much beak did you?" To which the fellow replies "Nah, he was already dead when I took him out of the vise."
  9. Excellent excuse. :thumbup: I'll make sure Teddy sees it when he gets back from Morocco.
  10. Moo, thanks for getting back on track with a joke. However you might want to check out Teddys joke of 18/04/07. Notice a slight similarity?
  11. I have to give Zob65 credit for that one. Now he's a real joke teller.
  12. A duck walks into a bar and says "excuse me barman can I have a beer and a sandwich please". The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?" , I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman. "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. > > > "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"
  13. Nelson Mandela is sitting at home, watching TV and enjoying a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign." Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign, you sign." Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The exact thing happens each day for the next three days. On the fifth day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck full of brake pads. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look I don't want these or any other car parts! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Tell me who you are trying to deliver these to! The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says, "So you not Nissan Main Deala?"
  14. Chris, I'm shocked and so sorry to hear your news. I can't begin to understand how you must feel right now. You obviously don't expect your B test to be nagative and if not I'm sure you are aware that, and as others have said, the treatments are getting better and better and will continue to do so and people can live relatively normal lives nowadays. Thank you for the warning to us all. A brave post. Look after yourself. Aw'ra best. Neil.
  15. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad... I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex ..... and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the golf club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... " "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant". Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
  16. Am 85 year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked why he handn't provided a semen sample and the old man replied, "Well doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it beteen her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour to help?" The old man replied, "Yep, and still we couldn't get the jar open."
  17. An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move. "You know", says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So let's talk." The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know", says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK", says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The American guy is dumfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me", says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
  18. An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like". An Englishman gives it a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix. An Irishman gives it a piano, which it plays better than Elton John. A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "Whit's wrong, can ye no play it?" The Octopus replies, "Play it? I'm going to fuck her brains out just as soon as I get her pyjamas off."
  19. It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and Invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
  20. A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."
  21. Poor effort Teddy. :thumbdown: Not up to your usual high standards.
  22. This morning on the way to work, whilst not really paying attention, I rear ended a car at some lights. Anyway, the fella who was driving the car I hit got out.....and he was a dwarf!!!! He said, "I'm not happy." I said, "Well which one are you then?"
  23. A big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting in the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's finished the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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