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I was in Lumphini Park yesterday, that oasis of greenery in the heart of Bangkok, and was shocked to see these giant monitor lizards collared and strolling very slowly with gentlemen Thais in blazers and top hats. It appears to be something of a new Thai fad - and it's catching on exceedingly quickly. They're like really macho, clearly intimidating, provoking onlookers to look at them and their big lizard on a lead. And they really do! - they excitedly seem to say - look at me! - I took my lizard off the leash! WTF? Seemingly oblivious to the well being of their fellow park goers. The lizards intimidate the public under the bullying glare of their owners / handlers. The worst are the ones that pimp their lizards out, emblazoning them with advertising and placing caps or miniature top hats fastened with elastic on there heads. It's not unheard of to see a monitor lizard strolling down Lumphini Park in full evening dress, complete with cravat if you please! The monitor lizards can get quite big, it isn't unheard of for a monitor lizard to grow almost 18 feet long - the rich Thai owners gain great face the larger their lizard, so they will go to almost any length to grow their lizard - steriods and rat hormones to make them more aggressive are very common. It turns out Thai women really fancy a man with great command of a large lizard. A rather mediocre man can improve his chances with the ladies quite dramitically if he possesses the right lizard. You'll see Thai gentlemen rubbing lizard polish vigourously onto their lizard in the early morning hours when Lumphini Park normally sees only the very committed runners trying to beat the heat - a common but unconcious cause. This should be stamped out immediately of course, we can't allow the lizards to get out of hand. I mean if you allow the lizards in - where can you sensibly draw the line? It's the damn wrong side of bloody enough!