lembeh Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 Firstly, sit down and think long and hard about whether you *really* want to save the relationship. If you do, consider these points 1. Are you prepared to *commit* to her 100%? Does she have the assurance you will be there next year, and in five years or 15 years? Does she *know* that? 2. Are you prepared to take on her, her kids, her family etc to at least some degree? Why are her family taking care of her kids? Give her her kids to look after, and she won't have time to f*ck around... 3. Have you *really* looked at financial issues? Does she have enough money to meet her (real or percieved) financial commitments. Selling food will bring in some cash..but enough to support her kids in school? Drifting back into "working" *may* point to financial "difficulties" as much as anything else. However much this board hedges about it, these girls *do* have financial worries, kids, parents sickness etc. Does she get an allowance from you every month or does she have to ask you for money every time (trust me, this gets tiring quickly for everyone, not least the girl). 4. get away from the bar scene...as far as is practical. I assume you are in BK, so make sure you are away from easy access to the bars. Don't go together, don't go alone, don't let her go alone, for what ever reason. Move on from that part of your life. 5. As far as practical (and this one is tough) winnow out her "friends" wean her away from those still in the scene. Note I say friends in inverted commas. Most of her "friends" will NOT want her to get out sucessfully. They will constantly seeks to weaken her confidence. "Why "skirtlifter" not buy you 10 baht gold? Maybe he not care you" etc etc". However, she will need social contacts, so try to get her to make new ones away from the bars.. 6. Have you *really* looked at financial issues? (yes, again!). Are you being "honest" with her? The biggest mistake is to constantly say "we don't have enough (money) for this, that or the other"...and then go out boozing (or even worse short timing) several nights a week. You *have* to be straight on the finances with her. She *will* pick up stuff, and money "seen" as "family money" (you and her) that is spent else where is a big No-no. 7. Bluntly: Are *you* f*cking around? part one is money (see above), part two is if *you* are off for the odd short time, well......sauce for the goose..... 8. Are you *really* prepared to commit to her (yes again!). If you and her are living alone without her kids, she will not really see that you ahve committed to her. Are you married to her? Prepared to get married to her? Prepared to bring up her kids as your own? Prepared to be with *her* (warts, kids and all), or just after a good bed warmer for a few years till you move on to a younger and better model? 9. Have you *really* looked at finacial matters....(yes, again!!!!!!!)...ignoring the family financial concerens is, IMHO a bit mistake, because they will fester away at her over time.... 10. Realize that not all these relationships work. However hard you try, however much you commit, you can still get f*cked over in the end. The question is, is she worth it? 11. Listen, really, really f*cking LISTEN to her. Some of the things that turned out to be really f*cking important (in my relationship) totally blind-sided me. Looking back, they *had* been mentioned, but I had been unable to assess the importance to them at the time as they were mentioned "in passing" instead of being underlined in triplicate and marked "For urgent attention"...I missed the warning signs by basically not knowing how to pay attention.. 12. You both have huge cultural differences in you back ground. You *have* to try and understand hers, and appreciate that she will have difficulty understanding yours. 13. Have you *really* looked at financial considerations? -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 >Take a girl out of a bar vs. take the bar out of the girl"? Hmm. Never thought that was the real problem. Most times you can get the girl out of the bar, its keeping the *man* out of the bars that is the more difficult... -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 You have to work very fucking hard and take complete control of the situation. Josh_ingu gave you a pretty comprehensive answer and I agree with the gist of his argument. I don't agree that it's impossible to get 'the bar out of the girl'. She has to be mentally re (or de) -programmed for a start. You have to reverse the brainwashing that she has received over the years. Your behaviour and communication with her will need to change otherwise you will just produce the same results over as you have now. Don't despair though, people change religions, political allegiances and lifestyles all the time. You can get get her there ....but you need to lead confidently as it's doubtful she see's the light at the end of the tunnel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khwaimaisabai Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 josh_ingu said:11. Listen, really, really f*cking LISTEN to her. Some of the things that turned out to be really f*cking important (in my relationship) totally blind-sided me. Looking back, they *had* been mentioned, but I had been unable to assess the importance to them at the time as they were mentioned "in passing" instead of being underlined in triplicate and marked "For urgent attention"...I missed the warning signs by basically not knowing how to pay attention.. Hi josh, Very, very insightful point. Khwai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 >You have to work very fucking hard Agree 100% on this. I wonder if there is a relationship between probability of sucess, and how much (real) effort the bloke puts into the relationship.... One (Ok, two, LOL) further minor points 1. You *cannot* keep refering to the past (especially *her* past). Keep throwing it in her face, and she will start to believe that she is a [insert your favourite phrase here]. This is easy(ish) when you are calm, close on to f*cking impossible when you are angry........ 2. Make sure finances are in order....LOL (ish). Bear in mind that most "normal" *western* relationships falter over financial matters. Now add all that cultural misunderstanding, different values etc and there is a sure fire way to disaster... -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hi Khwai >Very, very insightful point. Thanks. But I really think it only counts as "insightful" if you figure it out *before* it bites you on the ass....LOL.. -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 maybe she likes drinking and screwing ( and as a bonus, getting paid for it) working the bar gives her an "excuse" to enjoy herself ( not just your girl being referenced here mind you) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DocThai Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Really read and re-read Josh's post. I spent four months trying to make a similar situation work and I live here! She is 31 with three kids; entered the scene last year after husband left. The cultural differences, the language barriers etc all add up, but it was the financial part that wound up killing it. We agreed on a specific amount per month to support the family. Even brought her daughter (11) to live with us. After 10 days her father asked for more money. She asked me. I pointed out I had already given for the month. She kept at it and during the next few months it never stopped. To make a long story short, four months later she is back working in the bar and "waiting" for me to marry her and "not worry" about money. Problem is she (like many Issan poor girls) has no concept of budgeting etc and I know it would wind up being a nightmare. I offer this because she is a woman who truly hates working the bar and won't even go outside with a man, only short time upstairs, but be prepared if there are parents involved... they will ALWAYS come first... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lusty Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Put your brain back in your head and forget about her.Quit whilst your ahead.In most cases I think that us faranges are pissing against the wind if tring to have a deep and meaningful relationship with a bg.If you can get them back to farangland then you'll be playing on a level pitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
torrenova Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 And you don't see many willing to give up the income and relatively easy life of bar work to go rushing back to the rice paddies for Bt100 per day do you ? No, once corrupted by capitalism and material goods, the factory wage will never be good enough again. Sure some will change, but I reckon most will only drift back to more "normal" jobs outside the P4P scene when their youth and beauty has gone and they can no longer support themselves, edged out by younger and better looking competition. If you offered 10k they'd need 20k. Offer 20k and they need 30k. Its neverending for the extended family and hangers on. All this notwithstanding those who do successfully move out of the scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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