cardinalblue Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 So many times we make decisions that "the bar" is the key determinant on what the prognosis for the girl is. I say the bar is nothing more than a symptom of her life... I believe one should focus in on the causes and less on the symptoms. Look at her family, her value and belief system, her education, her experiences, her attitude towards life in general and you in particular. Look her past track record.. Yes there are exceptions and they are rare, but past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Just look at one's own life to gauge.. Yes, some intervention can and will make a difference but for how long long? Is it permanent? Is it sustaninable? Many of us got to the point where we get a good feel for the girls and which ones are salvagable and which ones are not from a relationaship standpoint. It is an educated guessing game at best.... One can start with is the girl honest and sincere? Does she have heart-felt desire to ready the ship or are you just pullling her along without looking at it objectively? So many have pasts we know nothing or little about. If she is one of these girls who starts off with you sharing only some of her past or enough for you to digest at first, this relationship or girl isn't going anywhere. The girl loses all credability and my interest in her as a person if she is one of these girls that say " i have worked here three months". Then some time elapses, comes "i forgot to tell you I have also worked here and there a long time ago" then " I also have a kid from a thai bf - forgot to mention that" Then, I was married to this other falang but it didn't work out so I didn't mention it either. More and more undesirable skeletons are unearthed as you dig deeper (i am not saying one has to be perfect and can't have a black mark or two but look for patterns of behaviors and the sheer numbers of events/behaviors)... Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is a poor track record and if the point is trying to decide if this girl is the one or can you count on her or build a successful relationship with, the odds are heavily weighed against it. You will just become another patterned event in her life as you exit stage left muttering "I really thought I could change her and make a difference in her life"....... Cardinalblue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 I don't know how to say this. There is nothing you CAN do. It is what it is my friend, don't let it bother you that much. You must understand that life is funny and you should be prepared to accept anything mentally. Enjoy life, but be prepared to go out just as you came in ALONE. Everything else that works out relationship or friends wise is GRAVY. Keep that mentality and you will be able to handle many things... I don't live in Thailand and the most I spent there was two months. During that time, I formed a relationship with a bargirl, a cute one at that who is somewhat popular and she kinda did the hooker thing to me also (sorry). But I bounced back by finding another woman that same night and after that understood that things like that will happen. I took it much better than I thought after I let my guard down for that one month I was with her. We are still friends and still see each other when I go back but it will never be the same. Keep it all in perspective and you will be fine. Oneye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaiLuk Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 She seemed content to live off my earnings and was making a little extra selling food to get money for her family. Unfortunately she was not content, tho she dealt with it for six months. With her three kids being taken care of by the family, she is locked in to supporting the whole crowd, any thing less would be a breach of the bargain that she could never live down. I just want my heart to stop aching. Go to the bar she hangs around, tell her its ok to do what she wants. When you see her talking and touching and leaving with a strange guy the same way she was with you, it will be like serapax. You might have to vomit first but the trauma to your system will cause you to get over her quickly. I'm not joking, unless you see it with your eyes, you'll sit around suffering for a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Hippie Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Over the years, I have known many BGs who had BFs (one or more) and later got married to one of them. It is, in my experience not uncommon for these girls to have many prospects on line at a time, keeping all options open until someone finalizes a deal so to speak. The age old question from these girls is "should I marry this guy I like/love who has small money, or this guy who is nice, but I don't really love, but he have big money...?" Also not uncommon for some of these girls to keep contact with a guy or 2 from the past until they feel secure in their new deal. Not sure I really blame them, after all the guy they choose may not work out. Many of these girls are aware they can be replaced in a matter of seconds. In the case the original poster layed out, it appears he was option #1. She may well love him, or not. What may clear to her in a short time is that she made the right decision to keep another guy in the wings, as the main guy has just gone off over what she feels is a small matter, thus she has a back up plan ready to go. Sad but true. I hate to sound jaded here, but first and formost, this is a matter of security and survival for these girls. Also not sure how the original poster can be so pissed at her for having a BF during a time when they were having trouble and separated (?) yet he was fooling around with other women. If you recall my WTF? post a few months back (September or October) I had a similar problem. Took me several months and a smack in the head or 2 to realize "hey, you were fooling around and not taking it full on serious, so don't blame her for finding another guy..." Sort of like the theif who breaks into a house to rob it, but is pissed to find someone already robbed it... O.k. this situation may have ended badly. Last year, I had a girl I caught in a lie, and she acted more less the same as Rouvineye's GF did. and yes, shortly after she tried to turn it around on me, she came back all apologetic, then acted like nothing ever happened...we of course have parted ways. I see this all as basic (Thai) woman bevavior, doubt it really makes much difference what country/culture the girl is from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 >Problem is she (like many Issan poor girls) has no concept of budgeting This is the hardest part, and takes the most work..on *both* sides. It may take sitting down (several times!), with a piece of paper and a pen "This is my salary every month. We spend this amount on this, this amount on that etc etc". A few times and they *can* (YMMV!!!!!) get the hang of it. However, it does take commitment. Not everyone wants to open up their salary book to thier g/f!!!!!!! >After 10 days her father asked for more money There is often the killer. However, it might be worth going back to the budget. "Ok, what do you want to cut to send money?" -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lembeh Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 rusty said: Put your brain back in your head and forget about her.Quit whilst your ahead.In most cases I think that us faranges are pissing against the wind if tring to have a deep and meaningful relationship with a bg.If you can get them back to farangland then you'll be playing on a level pitch. Think you addressed this to the wrong person. My relationship (with its ups and downs) has finally (after several years) settled down to a degree of contented domesticity. Probably been one of the hardest things I have done, but, overall it *has* been worth it. -j- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Lower her defenses and get inside her head as deep as you can. You may not like a lot of what comes out, but it will give you the information you need to take control of the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crofty68 Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Been there before... Josh_ingu speaks alot of sense.. It takes a lot of genuine "cut through the grease" talk, genuine commitment from both of you & steps showing the way.Ultimately if you can both "communicate" & the messages actually get through, from both your points of view, then it may work. Good luck, those nightmares about a women you care about, but cannot seem to hold firmly, are a major downer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Josh, you're 13-point advice is very insightful from a punter's perspective, but all relationships are two-way streets, and the bottom line is if she ain't committed nothing he does can save the situation. Many TGs with farang BF/hubbie have absolutely no financial need to be on the game but old tricks die hard and many simply can't *comepletely* give it up. Skirtlifter, stop blaming yourself and look elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJsushi Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Roppongi said: Many TGs with farang BF/hubbie have absolutely no financial need to be on the game but old tricks die hard and many simply can't *comepletely* give it up. Skirtlifter, stop blaming yourself and look elsewhere. I disagree somewhat with that, from the perspective of if you only look at fulfiling a woman's financial needs then you have done your job. Some women need more than financial security in their lives. I know enough marriages in the US that failed when hubby was the sole provider and providing for every material want and financial need for his wife yet he neglected the womans' emotional needs. One guy who made 7 figures a year couldn't figure out why his stay at home wife was having an affair with one the artists that had showings regularly at a gallery she was a patron of. Broke his heart and she still got a nice piece of the marital assets. Bottom line is that with any woman and particularly with women in the prostitution business you got to find out what they NEED and then find out what they WANT. This does not happen overnight because many of them don't have well developed goals or ambitions beyond taing care of everyday needs and some sort of finacial security. The process can take years. Once you take care of their needs then you really have to help, support and guide them into developing their ambitions and goals. Basically you have to replace the prostitutes life with a new life that goes beyond merely staying at home. You have to help her find a purpose. This stuff happens to many in relationships. I have a friend who is married to a college educated woman but they decided to have a family instead of her pursuing a career. Now that the kids are out of the house, their marriage is in a crisis because she does not know what to do with herself, since she does not have the kids to care for anymore. She is frustrated with her life and he is frustrated with her irritability and lashing out at him. Things are not going well with them at all and unless she finds something substantial in her life to replace child rearing then I am afraid they will be headded to the divorce courts. Skirtlifter, if you want to really help your chick and she truly does not want to be in the game anymore then you are going to have to do the bulk of the work initially in the relationship which goes beyond mere financial support. She is going to make mistakes and you are going to have to accept those mistakes and keep the support going. You may have to threaten her, bribe her, punish her, yell, throw her out on her ass a few times to accomplish the goal. Your not in a 50/50 relationship at this point. Yes it takes 2 people to make it work but one person is going to have to work harder than the other. I hope your up to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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