My Recent Silence... An Explanation.

[Fiery Jack]

Listen lads, I can?t hang about. Sorry I?ve slipped under the radar for a bit, but I?m having to lie low for a while. Haven?t time to explain. But this fucking Internet café is crawling with the fuzz and it's hard typing with my hands cuffed together. I?ll paste an article from today?s local rag below. It?ll explain all.

 

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

 

jack

 

 

 

"(From the Stoke & Burslem Bugle 16/3/04)

 

STOKE POLICE SEEK SH*T AND RUN MAN

 

By our local reporter, Ron Pisspot, by text message from the tap room of the Pig and Ferret.

 

Stoke and Burslem Police yesterday appealed to the public for their help in locating a man who fled their custody whilst under arrest in less than salubrious circumstances. The man they are seeking, named as Mr F. Jack, a long-term unemployed resident of Burslem?s ?Vagabond Ghetto? Caravan site is wanted for various offences including being drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest, giving a false name and address, assaulting a police officer, causing damage to police property, and fleeing the scene of a crime.

 

Mr Jack and a companion, a Mr Muff Richardson, an unemployed lawn-mower and tractor mechanic of Crackland Estate, Stoke, had been drinking heavily all day at the ?One-Eyed Newt? public house in North Burslem, beginning with lager but quickly moving on to pints of cinzano and pernod sidecars, all day when the trouble began. Said publican and landlord Mr Sid James: ?They were both heavily intoxicated, but they?re regulars and good for my profits. Mr Richardson was quietly sleeping face-down at the counter when Mr Jack arose from his barstool and started picking a fight with the one armed bandit. He then removed all his clothes and began to sing a medley of Shakin' Stevens hits at the top of his voice. We had a female Old Aged Pensioners' coach party from Preston in at the time, so I had no option but to summon the law. By the way, we do Bed and Full English Breakfasts here for 16 pounds per person per night, with a reduction for parties of ten or more.?

 

Two police officers arrived at the scene to find Mr Jack by then making a lod and lewd proposal to one of the senile female pensioners present, a Mrs Ena Sharples of Primrose Lane, Stoke, who is blind and walks with the help of half a bottle of brandy and a Zimmer frame. Mr. Jack was placed under arrest after punches had been thrown, and placed reluctantly in a police car.

 

But the drama was not over. Woman Police Constable Sandra Baconslicer continues: ?I sat in the back of the panda car next to Mr Jack, who was handuffed and formally cautioned. He asked for my home telephone number and what colour ?brassiere and bloomers? I was wearing. He then began to attempt to bite my left breast and nuzzle his head into my lap. I was attempting to restrain him when without warning he let out a tremendously loud fart and, within seconds, the patrol vehicle was filled with pungent, obnoxious fumes. Mr Jack had clearly ?followed through into his boxers?: examination of the car?s soiled upholstery later confirmed this fact. The smell was so awful that I instructed PC Peter Pissflaps, who was driving, to stop the car and open all the doors to let in some much-needed fresh air, otherwise we would all surely have asphixiated..."

 

It was when PC Pissflaps did so that Mr Jack made his daring break for freedom. He was able to escape without being recaptured and has only been spotted once since the incident. Local ironmonger, Tony Fartcushion said: ?This desperate looking geezer wearing smelly green flares, heavily soiled at the rear flap, and a Stoke City away top rushed in just after I?d opened and asked if I had a spare pair of bolt cutters I could lend him. I said I didn?t. he then saw that my security camera was running and left the shop in a great hurry without so much as a thank you m?am. Or sir, if you see what I mean. By the way, I?ve a sale on nuts and rivets at the moment if anyone?s interested in some top quality bolts and whatnot.?

 

When first arrested, Mr Jack gave his name as Mr Keith Smallpiece of Bucketbong Street, Burslem. However, when the arresting officers attempted to confirm these details by radio, they discovered that Mr Smallpiece is currently serving a 2 month prison sentence for distribution of pornographic materials and possession of a Class A substance. The ?Bugle? managed to contact Mr Smallpiece, who is an acquaintance of Mr Jack, on the public telephone at Stoke Manley Prison. He said; ?Jack?s a good lad, just a bit daft when he?s had a few jars. By the way, can any of your readers send me some hardcore porn mags (ebony anal preferred) or a wee bit of whiz or tarry? And some Nivea after-sun cream if possible: I?m banged up in the same cell with this big African bloke and my arsehole?s burning like the back end of the batmobile.?

 

Speaking from the chillout room at Stoke?s Madhatters night club last night at 3.45AM, Mr Jack?s lawyer, the Honorable Mr Jason Glasspipe QC, who has successfully defended his client on many occasions commented: ?Mr Jack is a much misunderstood man whom the police have a habit of persecuting purely on grounds of his rather flamboyant lifestyle which, for some reason, appears to offend them. He is a man more sinned against than sinning. The police have a very flimsy case against him. In fact, some of the evidence placed in my hands for inspection has already been mysteriously misplaced or lost, and several key witnesses have retracted their statements after visits from my staff. I have every confidence that, once Mr Jack is located, his name will once again be fully cleared.?

 

Police are asking members of the public to look out for a stout man with a face like a sack of whelks, most likely handcuffed and wearing soiled lime green loons and a Stoke City shirt. If spotted, this man should not be approached, because he might be very drunk. And smell quite a lot by now.

 

The investigation continues."

[elef]

Hi FJ,

 

after raining too much cats and dogs in your absence, it's with great pleasure I read a new masterpiece which of course will be a part of volume 3! ::

 

 

elef

[sayjann]

i look forward to the saga on Crimewatch..... ::

[Guest]

Fuck me you are nuts ::

[Singhaman]

Oh mate, this is great.....I rolled on the floor! Keep them coming. cheers

[chuckwoww]

Sorry to hear about your problems FJ. Hope it all gets sorted soon. I am having some minor legal difficulties myself. Could you perhaps ask Mr Glasspipe QC to put some trousers on and give me a buzz? Thanks.

[..]

So then, ya made it out of Ubezbekistan OK? I assume that they just deported you with no jail time? But what do I tell Ishkabibble? I just wish that you did not give her my mo-by number as contact info in LoS!!!!!!!

 

However, I still cannot say that you owe me, what with your expert handling of the crazed Tierra Fuego lass that wanted to cut my nuts off and all...but it IS getting close to full payback.

 

Still, my Burkina Faso language skills are a bit limited and I am in trouble here. Ishkabibble does understand my Upper Voltan, but not 100%! Her English is crap, tho'!

 

Inquiring,

SD

[Fiery Jack]

Shit, I was doing a search for something else and I just re-read this thread. Jesus, I was mad in those days. I have no recollection of any of it.

 

The demon drink.

 

Time to hit the bottle again, then... Why not!

 

jack

[Fiery Jack]

Oh to be that young again...

 

jack

[bust]

You're only as old as the woman you're feeling