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Ex GF and ethical dilemma


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Had a thai girl friend once, I took care of her and she was very good to me. Our relationship lasted for two years and it was an experience never to be forgotten. During our two years together something was discovered that is an extremely personal matter that normally should not (or maybe it should?) be discussed on a public board. I took her for a thorough health exam her first one in many years at a hospital in BKK. Her HIV test came back positive.

 

All the time we were together, she and I always engaged in safe sex. In fact the doc did not think I needed a test after I told him we always wore a condom but I insisted. My test came back negative.

 

I was not living in Thailand, so it was her responsibility to get to the hospital, with me doing all the research on the net. Thailand has a program of providing anti retro-virals for HIV to their citizens at a subsidized low cost. State hospitals administer the program. I had her go to the hospital in her province, but there were some false starts.

 

The nurses refused to believe the lab results from the BKK hospital because my girl seemed so healthy. Apparently HIV is rarely discovered until sickness has set in. The hospital took additional tests, said they would get back to her. They never got back to her. My girl wanted to just forget the whole thing and let things take their course.

 

At my insistence, she would call the hospital every week. One time, my girl called and could here many people in the background. The nurse who answered the phone shouted out to someone else in the room ?We have another HIV patient calling!? My GF hung up and was in tears when she called me.

 

Having HIV requires the patient to take an active role in managing his/her treatment, seems that this may be especially true in Thailand depending on what hospital you are dealing with. This is not an easy task for an uneducated thai girl who does not want to accept that this could happen to her.

 

Two or three months went by. After many broken promises that the hospital would contact her for an appointment, I gave up on going the state hospital route in her province. I came to Thailand and took her to a private hospital and paid the jack for a complete work-up. Once an HIV test comes back positive, the next stage is to determine how advanced the disease is. Because my girl never gets sick (she does not even get colds) I assumed she was in the early stages of this disease that incubates for ten years before symptoms show up and that she would not need to start drugs yet.

 

I was wrong. I don?t want to bore you with talk about CD4 T cell counts and viral load. Its enough to say the HIV level in her blood was twenty times higher than the level at which HIV drugs need to be started. When I left, we had arranged that she would go to the state hospital in BKK which is supposed to have a very good HIV treatment program. All she had to do was go to the hospital.

 

Before she went to the hospital in BKK, my girl did something that these girls often do. She permanently screwed up our relationship. Exactly what she did is not important. The fact is I ended our relationship. This sent her into a sort of tailspin, but after awhile she ended up with a new farang BF. This is a guy who has known her for a long time and has always wanted to be with her, and from her description of him he seems to be a very good guy who cares for her. I believe he would make sure her HIV treatment went along fine.

 

If he knew.

 

She has stayed in contact with me with an occasional phone call, and when I would bring up the HIV issue she would tell me that she plans to do nothing. I tell her that soon she will get sick, everyone will know she has HIV anyway so why not tell your boyfriend since he can help you. She does not want her boyfriend to know. When she gets sick she will kill herself.

 

This girl touched my life in many ways that have not been presented in this post. Her difficult past and all the events in her life have added up and the result is a girl who would rather do nothing and accept fate then try to manage HIV.

 

When we first broke up I thought a lot about her dying from aids. After she had been with her boyfriend a couple of months I knew all I had to do is tell him about her HIV. He would then take her to the hospital for treatment and she could live. That?s all it would take. She could live a long life and not get sick.

 

Girls like my ex gf need a farang to take charge of certain things. I could criticize her for this but that would be like complaining that the hands on a clock only move clockwise. She is what she is. She is not the type to take of herself; she was only good at taking care of me with whatever means she had. Her own well-being and happiness were never a concern for her.

 

But its not my business now. I have never even met her boyfriend and its no longer my place to interfere in her life.

 

The thought of her dying is not easy for me to accept, it leaves a hole in my heart. But we all die someday.

 

As time has gone by (its been a year) I think about it less often but when I do the emotions are just as strong. Sometimes I wake up, for some reason my brain starts thinking about her dying as if its preparing me for the inevitable. As I lie in bed I wonder if she had died overnight while I was sleeping, will I still think it was not my business?

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All,

 

This is indeed a very delicate situation where only the OP can decide what to do.

If it is to warn the new BF just to warn him against her, then I would not inform him.

If it was to inform him to help her, then yes, I would be all for it to tell him.

But it looks like she does not want to be helped here.....

 

BB

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You have the choice between possible stopping this man getting a very dangerous disease and not hurting the girl in a short time perspective.

 

Loyalty between the girl you know and to the fate of a man you don?t know.

 

I think if you looking at the action that causes the least amount of overall hurt, it would be to save the man from contracting HIV, although it might come at a higher price for you personally. I?m glad I don?t have to make the choice, because even if I know what I think is the right thing to, I?m not sure I would be able to do it if I were in your shoes.

 

Good luck, no matter what course of action you choose.

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If he has the possibility, he MUST tell the guy. There is no pussy-footing around it. Aids is a contagious disease, and ignorance propagates it as much as the HIV virus. Ignorance as denial, and ignorance as sleeping unaware of the carrier's positivity.

Just let's put ourselves in the shoes of that new BF, what would we like someone in the know to do?

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Its like carrying a concealed weapon IMO.

Lets play devils' advocate here.

 

The BF is her responsability, no ? on top of which he should have a sense of protection as well.

He met her during her working days, so yes, he should know.

 

But if the girl does not say anything, then SHE needs protection against herself, and then OP should tell him about her condition.

Not to protect him, but to protect her.

Only my POV of course.

 

BB

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