The Trouble with Noi

[zanemay]

Well life goes on. In the interest of "staying the course" here is a little report.

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When I was back home for a few months, I posted "There is Love in the Kingdom." It was a challenge to the cynics who think these girls are only interested in our money. I said I had girlfriends who loved me. Not on the "Western Plan" but their feelings for me were not entirely self-interested.

Part of my psychological success here in LOS is that no matter what, I keep my defenses in place. I do it without closing myself off. I can give love and accept it. But there is always a voice saying, "Don't expect too much. Take care of yourself." I don't go about like a walking ATM machine - quite the contrary. I like to underpay and bargain. I like the challenge of having my girlfriends a little less than happy with what I give them. They know I live frugally and they know better than to press me for money. So far.

Now that I am back in LOS there seems to be a problem with my main squeeze Noi. It may be more with me, but it seems like something has changed.

Noi is a great girlfriend. She is intelligent, kindhearted, and has a ladylike reserve. She comes from a successful farming family and has a lot of pride and self-esteem. I think it's her pride that leads her to pay for many of our taxis, meals and small purchases, and I certainly prefer that to the way of so many others who want every baht spent to come off of the farang. She has great, fabulous little legs, and from her mid thigh down to her ankle is my favorite eighteen inches on this planet - sexy perfection in a modest little package. She is great in bed and loves sex and is plenty generous. She enjoys everything oral.

She seems to like me quite a lot, which is a bit confusing, and although she tells me about her many men, the only picture in her room is of her and I on the beach. She likes to take me on jaunts with her friends and we go on some great ones. She talks to me about her business/lovelife, so she tells me about a lot of her followers - how she met them, their lives and characters and what they like in bed. Like the doctor with a foot fetish who also has a thing with urine, which she laughingly said she could not deliver under pressure. I enjoy her openness, her sense of humor and her funny stories. I know she is exceptional in this environment and I am lucky to have her.

During the three months I was in the USA we exchanged a few emails. Excerpts from a few of hers: "Our picture very nice and I will zoom it and put in frame. Because I want see your face everyday. I never forget you. Miss you always. When you don't stay in Thailand I am lonely. I hope you still love me the same as before. I miss you only." That all sounded great to the limited extent I believed it. Some of it sounded like her, some of it sounded like saying what I would like to hear, some of it sounded like the generic work of a translator in an internet shop.

I took it with the proverbial grain of salt and hoped for the best when I came back. And things are good. But during our first days together it seemed to me that something subtle has changed. A little shift. She had been telling me that she "missed only me" and "business no good," but now that I am here there are plenty of stories about men she has been seeing and how well they pay her. There is at least one man sending her money from overseas. My problem is that even though I am a realist and have a good perspective on all of this, her status as a girlfriend/prostitute is getting me down a little. I want her to do well and have money and I wish her the best but sometimes I don't feel so special anymore. I'm just one of many and, for that matter, one who does not compensate her as well as others. I wonder if my place in her heart is a little precarious?

If so I can deal with that. I am not going to try to buy her. I like her a lot. I love her a little. I am very lucky to have her and want to keep her. But I like a challenge and purchasing my place would not be a challenge at all.

I arrived at 12:00 PM on Wednesday and at 6:00 PM I met her as I said I would. No detours. We spend four days and nights together except for little breaks here and there and by the fifth night things were getting a little boring. I control all of our night time outings because she always says "Up to you" when I ask her what she wants to do. So we usually go to one of a few different bars that have stiff competition on the pool table, or we go to a movie. Just arrived, jet lag slowing me so I couldn't get myself together for a movie and I had gone out to play pool for five nights and she sat and watched. Very boring for her since I tend to win a lot and she sits alone. A little boring for me too by the fifth night.

I hate staleness and planned not to spend too much time with her. This worked out last visit, but the first time I suggested a break was traumatic. I had spent a month in Bangkok and at one point I when I was getting to know her, I had spent several days with Noi. We were sitting in a park and I told her I would like to take a break for one night. Not to butterfly, but just for a little refreshing separation. I wasn't ready for what happened. "Up to you!" she spat out. The lower lip came out and in a minute quiet tears were rolling off her cheeks. "I don't understand," I said. But we did take the night off and it was good for us and she did happen to see me out for some innocent fun and after that, when I needed time alone, it wasn't a problem.

So after five days together in Bangkok this time I was a little bored and I was sure she was too. It was my plan to do as I had at the end of the last trip. I would spend 10 days to two weeks in Pattaya and then come back and visit Noi for a few days. We were be happy to see each other every time and things stayed fresh and interesting.

Sitting on the bed a few days ago just before heading to the bus station I told her, "I will go to Pattaya for two weeks and then I will come back for three days." She looked like I had punched her in the stomach. Uh-oh, the lip came out again. "You go Pattaya, no come back!!" "You don't want me to come back?" Nod. She never looks at me when she is mad. "Oh really!? You finish with me?" Looking away, she nodded again. In a minute the quiet tears flowed.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked. Nothing, just the lip. She pouted for five minutes. "You don't help me if you don't talk to me," I said. Then I told her how much I liked her and that she is a great lady and that I wanted to know her and be her friend for a long time. It was true and she knew it.

After a while: "I think you have one lady Pattaya." Oh? Oh!? So what? This is a very popular little lady who seems to have a farang in every closet, and she is worried that I have a girlfriend in another town? This is the strange way of Thai ladies, even prostitutes. They have a deep-seeded fear of abandonment, which expresses itself as jealousy. From my point of view, it is something to be understood, sympathized with, but not given in to.

After awhile she let me hug her and a little later we were at least speaking again. "I can come to Pattaya visit you?" she challenged me with a tough little look. "I will work it out," I said. "You come." I gave her the card for the condo and told her to call for the exact room. "I no call. You telephone tell me." Stubborn. But we parted smiling.

That was to be the end of this story, except this morning I got the most interesting of all emails from her.

Hello Zane,

Now I am alone. I want someone have be my friend who is help me think about anything or stay closes me. But I not sure he is know what am I want . Sometime I want to call to you but I cannot because I afraid you are blame me check you. I don't know you don't stay with me long time but I want to stay with you long time. I write to you don't cause of money but my cause is love and want to stay with you.

when you leave me I am hurt everytime. I drunk everyday . I am boring. Because I am think about you all the time but when I drunk I am forget you in that time. You don't lonely because you have money for buy happynese . But I cannot same you.

Now I know about your telephone number and your number room but I don't know what time I can call to you. If posible please call to me at my room. I will waitting for your voice.

Miss you so much.

Noi

"Oh brother!" I said to myself. "Here we go." I called her later and sounded anything like the forlorn soul who was lost without me. "How you?" she chirped. "I'm fine, but I got your email and you didn't sound too good." "I mau (drunk)," she said. "Yesterday my friend and me mau and she say go internet and make you email." She was laughing. She loves to mock me putting on affection and then denying it. And there I was believing I was her obsession, the light of her life. Ha!

"Next week friend me come Pattaya with farang. I want come too." "Good," I said. "Call me so I not have lady." "Yes."

Well this will be interesting if nothing else. If she wants to stay a couple of days she will have to meet "one lady Pattaya" who I don't want to abandon too long. I wonder if they will understand that "we are all in this together." Stay tuned.

[Big Kev]

Keep us posted on this one. It really does sound like an interesting dilema. Here's hoping final resolution will involve wild Zane May sandwich of a threesome!!

[Old Hippie]

this could lead to interesting endevors.!! But still, you might want to concider getting a kevlar battle jacket for Mr. Happy!

[Pescator]

quote:

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Originally posted by Old hippie:

this could lead to interesting endevors.!! But still, you might want to concider getting a kevlar battle jacket for Mr. Happy!

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that is right. There is a lot of Moulinex devices out there and the duck are always hungry.

[Straycat]

Zane,

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated this report. Keep it coming!

I especially liked this small part:

"I am not going to try to buy her. I like her a lot. I love her a little."

Since I wrestle with the same sort of thoughts at the moment - it's nice to know I am not the only one.

Once again - thanks a lot. I really like personal stories like these!

[luckyfarang]

Zane-

I know how you feel man. Jealousy is such a turnoff and they really have no right to play such mind games with someone they supposedly "love". I've been trying to "train" a few girls to not be so possessive, but it's not easy. Always enjoy your posts and let's get together in LOS someday. I may have to postpone my regular winter sabbatical this year, though. Damn!

[Steve]

Zane May, from your posts, both present and past from a wide range of LOS sanuk topics, I can tell you know how to keep the whole LOS bar girl scene in perspective and not get caught up.

If you do, is there any hope for us all? (lol). I hope it works out. I can't offer advice but empathy. A lot of us have been there. Agree with the 'like her a lot, love her a little' line. Classic.

[thalenoi]

Zane,

Interesting situation. Curious for developments.

My problem is different.

I found this BG last december and we decided on day 4 to travel together. Since I am a loner I was cautious as to have some "caring" lady around me all the time. But all went fine. I do have a serious health problem, having her around all the time also gave mee a feeling of security in case some urgent situation might arise. The medication I take also have an impact on my sex life, i.e. it takes some time and confidence to build something up. I do have problems with "quickies", ST i had on my previous trip were not very successful.

I am in a position now allowing me to afford two LOS trips of one month each per year. Last one was in may. For the above reasons I decided to invite her for the whole month and so we did.

Besides never being alone a few things upset me with her from time to time.

Firstly, she always needed help from others more than I would need myself to solve little daily problems, such as finding a given hotel, a songteaw to go somewhere, an internet cafe...

Secondly, I would call it stuborness on the edge of stupidity. Those moments when you say to yourself "Oh, no, that's not possible" I attribute this to "cultural differences". These situation can work on your nerves and I do not want to get upset for anything whilst in LOS.

One example: we took a bus to our hotel, rang the bell, but the driver did not stop until next stop. A few days later we happened to take the same bus and she rang the bell one stop BEFORE our hotel. I imagined there was something she wanted to buy in a specific shop, so I asked "why we get off here?" Her answer was "bus no stop at hotel"

So i had her look at the bus and true but incredible for her that bus stopped at the next bus stop, same as most of them do.

Thirdly, although she never refused, she openly told she did not like to have sex every day. Sure I wanted sex more than once a day.

Next trip is around half november for one month.

An other problem are finances. I am not willing next trip to spent say 40.000 baht on BG's. That amount would allow me to easily stay an extra month in LOS, ok, withouth lady...

The plan is to head to Pattaya, have fun for one week, maybe head Chiang Mai alone, travel North for some time and spend the last week in Bangkok and visit her. She is not going to like this. I could consider not seeing her at all. or go to see her arriving in Bangkok and explain I cannot pay her to stay one month with me. Neither do I want her to stay one month, but then i loose my security (healthwise and some more)

As you said very well: "I like her a lot, I love her a little" That applies to me as well.

We both know we have a business relationship. I know she gets phone calls from other farangs. In her room there is just one picture, one I took, not me on it. I spent many evenings eating at a food stall in front of her room, chatting with people living in her street, became something like the "house friend", I liked hanging around her place.

It also seems mot many farangs get invited at a BG's place.

I know she is not expecting love or committment. She was honest in money question, she managed to get around 5.000 baht more out of me than what we agreed (paying her rent for two months and a few minor things - she did not ask for any presents - I had a difficult time offering things to her when we wewre shopping) That was not a major issue, I do understand that.

What shall I do? I Don't know. If I travel alone, I will miss the real contact with Thai life and I will miss her, on the other hand new adventures are awaiting me.

Any thoughts are welcome.

[ranma500]

Zane,

I am not as much of a cynic about bar-girls' affections as perhaps my experience should cause me to be.

I do actually believe that girls can develop affections for 'farang'.

There is always a lot of talk about 'walking ATMs' - people who will say they only love you for your money, etc.

I have always maintained the theory that the need to find a secure environment is something genetic in women as an aid to raising a family.

This is true not only in the Far East, but also in the West. I attended USC in California, and was amazed by the number of girls who seemed to have gone there mainly to find rich husbands. Whether this was a conscious or subconscious aim is harder to say.

So, I think it is natural for a woman who feels secure, cared for, and looked after (including financially) to develop feelings of love.

I think this happens in Thailand.

The next great complaint of 'farang' is that although they mistrust the motives of bar-girls, when they find a girl who shows all the signs of real affection, they are irritated by the jealousy factor.

However, terribly often the guy who is complaining that his girlfriend doesn't trust him, doesn't believe his sincerity etc. is actively out there in the bar scene picking up other girls whenever he can.

Quite a lot of the girls really do want to find a man who will take away their problems, take care of them, and be faithful to them. The sad thing is that the sort of guys they meet in their work are often the least likely to fulfil this role.

This is a rant I have got into before, and I certainly have no idea if any of this applies to you.

But... it might be worth asking yourself what you really are offering this girl. Are you prepared to even consider offering her some security, some future together, and monogamy.

If not, she will sense it, and she will be upset and jealous. You will split up, and she will more than ever believe what the other bar-girls say - that 'farang' lie all the time, all they want is 'sex', and they are all 'butterflies'. Then she will start to treat all men as just 'walking ATMs'.

Of course you are right to act with caution, certainly where your wallet is concerned, but if you don't offer love, I think there is little chance of finding it.

As to keeping it, and making a relationship work, that's a whole different matter...

Paul