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While walking through the woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

 

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

 

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

 

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

 

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

 

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

 

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day".

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I heard this last weekend:

 

A blind man and a deaf man has to made a live concert. So they get on stage.

After a while the blind man asked his partner:

"Do the people dancing already?"

The Deaf answers:

"Do we playing already?"

 

:monkey::rotl::monkey:

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A woman tells her boyfriend, "You know I am saving myself until we are married!"

 

He begs her, "How about I just put the head in for a while? Just let me marinate the head a little."

 

She reluctantly agrees, if it's only the head. So he proceeds to put the head in and that's all he does, for about 30 seconds. But then he gets carried away and puts it in entirely, pumping with deep thrusts.

 

After a few minutes, she moans and says, "I know we have this deal that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels really good, so go ahead and give it all to me!"

 

Without thinking, he quickly responds, "No, a deal's a deal." :spin:

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A typical married couple was lying in bed one night.

 

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

 

As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.

 

The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

 

She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked. "What are you doing taking your clothes off?

 

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

 

The husband said, "No, not at all."

 

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

 

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

 

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A young lad, just 18 years old was sentenced to a short term of inprisonment. On his first day in jail he was locked up to share a cell with only one other prisoner, Bubba. Now this bloke is BIG and UGLY, gay and hungry(for bum).

 

After spending twenty or so minutes in the cell, Bubba wakes. Bubba looks at the boy, points and says "you, boy, were going to play a game, it's called mummys and daddys! What do you want to be boy? mummy or daddy?" The Kids freaking :yikes: and says O.K. I'll be daddy, Bubba replies, Good, NOW GET OVER HERE AND SUCK MUMMYS COCK!

 

fa....

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."

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