Any New Jokes

[Torneyboy]

I like that

[Flashermac]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

 

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

 

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

 

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

 

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

 

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

 

[teddy]

A man walks into the Pub with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

 

The Bar man says " what can I get you sir".

The man replies, " A Pint and One For The Road".

 

[Vintage_Kwai]

Student problems

 

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

 

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered,

 

"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

 

The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The

teacher agreed.

 

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9"

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36"

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

 

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny: "Legs"

 

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Johnny: "Pockets"

 

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

 

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Johnny: "Coconut"

 

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Johnny: "Bubblegum"

 

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The

principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Johnny: "Shake hands"

 

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Johnny: "Yup"

 

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"

Johnny: "Tent"

 

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first"

(Principal was looking restless and bit tense)

Johnny: "Wedding Ring"

 

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"

Johnny: "Nose"

 

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Johnny: "Arrow"

 

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck"

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[teddy]

:grin:

 

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

 

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

 

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

 

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

 

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"

 

The first bloke says, "Who gives a fuck, let's look for yours."

[teddy]

A man is giving his wife one when in walks their little lad

 

his Dad just starts to laugh embarrassed and playfully throws a pillow at him

 

couple of minutes later when he's finished he goes into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandma

 

his Dad is horrified

 

" What the hell are you doing !! "

 

" Yeh, not so funny when its your Mum is it !! "

[teddy]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

 

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

 

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

 

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

 

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this feckin hole!"

[Torneyboy]

Nice Ted

[Mekong]

It seems Teddy recieved the same emails as I did yesterday.

[Flashermac]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.

 

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

 

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

 

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

 

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

 

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN.

 

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran. He is ruled by a prick.