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Two guys with black eyes are seated next to each other on a flight from New York to Pittsburgh.

 

The first guy asks the second, "I notice you have a black eye, do you mind telling me how that happened?"

 

Second guy says, "Well when I was standing in line to buy my business partner and myself tickets for this flight, I noticed the ticket agent had an incredible set of breasts. The line was long so I had a lot of time to stare and admire these wonderful creations. By the time I got to the front of the line I meant to say 'I need two tickets to Pittsburgh' but I slipped up and said 'I need two Pickets to Tittsburgh'. Needless to say the ticket agent was offended and she punched me in the face; hence the black eye."

 

First guy says, "Oh sorry to hear that, that's called a Freudian slip. That's when you mean to say one thing, get distracted and it comes out wrong. Happens all the time."

 

Second guy asks, "Well now that I told you my story, do you mind telling me how you got your black eye?"

 

First guy responds, "Oh funny enough I also had a Freudian slip. This morning when I was at the breakfast table I meant to ask my wife 'Honey can you pass the milk?'. Instead I slipped and it came out 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life.' "

 

 

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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

 

The Marine reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

 

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'

 

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, when a truck hit us.'

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and

told her mother.

'Frankie Jones showed me his willy today!'

 

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It

reminded me of a peanut'

 

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small was

it?'

 

Sally replied, 'No...salty!'

 

 

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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

 

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

 

The Marine reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

 

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

 

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'

 

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, when a truck hit us.'

 

 

Times are changing ... that used to be about LBJ and HCM!

 

:)

 

 

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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch but it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

 

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this. How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy...and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that."

 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

 

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot,but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

 

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

 

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

 

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

 

"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

 

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."

 

The parrot pauses for a long time...

 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

 

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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