Any New Jokes

[teddy]

A rich bloke from deepest Yorkshire goes to the jewellers - "can tha mek us a gold statue o' mi whippet?"

 

Jeweller asks "18 carat Sir?"

 

"Naw chewin' a bone, yer daft pillock!"

 

Edited November 20, 2007 by Guest

[teddy]

I went to see the Nurse for my annual health check this morning.

 

She said, "I think you should stop wanking",

 

I asked "Why?"

 

She replied, "because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[teddy]

Paddy says to Mick "Mick, I hear that the girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond film has split her fanny open!"

 

Mick says "Honor Blackman?"

 

"No" says Paddy "On a dildo"

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Short and sweet Teddy boy. :thumbup:

[Torneyboy]

Excellent

[The_Munchmaster]

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

 

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

 

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

 

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.

 

"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

 

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

 

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

 

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

 

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

 

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Hung Chow calls AIB where he works and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

 

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[teddy]

poor Paddy

[The_Munchmaster]

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

 

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

 

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

 

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ....... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

 

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

 

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

 

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

 

"Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

 

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

 

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"