Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

I thought this was the jokes section?

[Torneyboy]

I like this one MM

 

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

 

[teddy]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

 

Hello and thank you for calling The City Mental Hospital.

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

....13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous....

TB, there's a difference between 'not using more words than necessary, and 'using less words than necessary'. :smirk:

 

[The_Munchmaster]

"Hello?"

 

"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

 

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

 

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."

 

Brief Pause. ..

 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?"

 

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

 

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

[The_Munchmaster]

One morning a contractor called an architectural firm and asked to speak to an architect regarding a particular project.

 

The receptionist, with a voice full of regret, said, "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site."

 

The contractor stated his condolences and hung up.

 

About an hour later the same contractor called back and asked to speak to an architect regarding the same project.

 

Again, the receptionist gave the contractor the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site."

 

As before, the contractor mumbled his regrets and hung up.

 

This pattern repeated itself each hour throughout the morning, until, at last, the receptionist recognized the contractor's voice, whereupon she said to him, "Sir, why do you keep calling here when you know I'm going to say the architect has recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site?"

 

The contractor, exploding with long-suppressed maniacal laughter, gasped and said, "Because I love to hear you say it!"

[Palatkik]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, " Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

 

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, " Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married,

two sons, both Judges."

 

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce

himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery

Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

[teddy]

A soldier ran up to a nun, and out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your Habit. I'll explain in a minute."

 

The nun agreed.

 

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

 

The nun replied, "He went that way."

 

After the MP's ran off and the soldier crawled out from under her Habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.

 

The nun said, "I understand completely."

 

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

 

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen I have great pair of balls too....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[The_Munchmaster]

That one gave me a good chuckle. :thumbup:

[The_Munchmaster]

For those of you who may understand the Scots vernacular and psyche.......

 

 

Subject: Boaby & Davy go to France (Conjoined Twins)

 

 

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over which he does and winds his window down.

 

The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy.

 

Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

 

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

 

Davy: Aye, that's right big man. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.

 

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

 

Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?

 

Boaby: Aye.

 

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.

 

Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of sarnies to avoid eating your crap.

 

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.

 

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby?

 

Boaby: Aye.

 

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.

 

Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big man.

 

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

 

Boaby: Coz, it's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!