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A lawyer walks into a bar and the barman says "good evening, what will you have?"

"Oh I'll have a large scotch" says the lawyer.

The barman pours the drink "that'll be one pound 70 pence please sir"

The lawyer looks puzzled."When I came in, you asked me to have a drink but there was no mention of any money being required"

A guy sitting at the bar suddenly pipes up "He's right you know. There was no mention of you requiring any sort of fiscal renumeration for the drink"

The barman scowls "I've had enough of you smartarse lawyers drinking in here. Drink your scotch, piss off, and I never want to see you in this pub again"

2 days later, the lawyer walks back in.

"Get out" shouts the barman "I told you 2 days ago never to drink in this pub again"

"what! I've never been in this pub in my life" says the lawyer looking very offended.

The barman looks puzzled "then you must have a bloody double"

"Great - make it a scotch"

 

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This is a real brave guy!!

 

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. Even Jay Leno mentioned it on The Tonight Show. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from

long distances, to support them at their wedding.

 

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

 

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.

 

He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with his new bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

 

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,"F--- you!" He turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"

 

And then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."

 

He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

 

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the

bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. Do you think we might see one of those Mastercard "Priceless" commercials out of this?

 

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guest: $32,000

Photographers for the wedding: $3,000

Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2: $8,500 The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo the Bride and Best Man having sex: Priceless

 

Revenge takes many forms.

 

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A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."

The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

 

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A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. she asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background. She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was... He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer's last words, and found that they were, "Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!"

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A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and wispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy wispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!"

________________________________________

 

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After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole . I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him!" yelled John.

"I did. You go back at work on Monday."

 

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A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."

The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

:) :thumbup:

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:yay:

A Letter to America

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Subject: A message from John Cleese â?? celebrated British comedian.

 

To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary').

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. the Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol, which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater

.

12. You will cease playing American football. there is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us!

 

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes plus strawberries (with cream), when in season.

 

God Save the Queen.

 

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