Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, During World War Two a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic."

 

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

 

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in grave spiritual danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

"Thank you, Father, that's a great load off my mind. But I do have one question."

 

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[The_Munchmaster]

A Short Love Story.

 

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking' blanket."

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[SpiceMan]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

 

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F#cking hell are you the bird I sh#gged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar#e?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

 

 

[Torneyboy]

are there any blondes ..that are not 'busty"?

[CTO]

mnore

[Man at Work]

mnore

 

 

[CTO]

Mnore Bnor, as the Isaan comedian said.

[teddy]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

 

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.

 

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

 

Mary looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, .................... "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

[teddy]

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

 

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

 

[teddy]

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin.

 

He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.

 

'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went.

 

The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him.

 

'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said.

 

'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'