Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

 

â??Mummy, where do babies come from?â?Â

 

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, â??Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.â?Â

 

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, â??That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommyâ??s vagina. Thatâ??s how you get a baby, honey.â? The child seems to comprehend.

 

â??Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddyâ??s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?â?Â

 

â??Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.â?Â

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

 

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

 

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

 

The man replied, 'I just want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[The_Munchmaster]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

 

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

 

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

 

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

 

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

 

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

 

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

 

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

 

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and she asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

 

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Cornwall community.

 

After several months, young Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Cornish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Truro.

 

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

 

So the couple hired a strong young man from Newquay to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

 

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

 

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'

[The_Munchmaster]

Council: "So when did you realize you were raped?"

 

Plaintiff: "When the check bounced."

[The_Munchmaster]

"Granny, do all fairy tales start with 'once upon a time'?"

 

"No darling, there is a whole serious of fairy tales that begin with "If elected, I promise. . ."

[The_Munchmaster]

"Mommy, what's a lesbian?"

 

"Go ask Daddy...she'll know."

[The_Munchmaster]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white

stripes?"

 

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God.

 

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

 

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

 

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

 

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are'."

 

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

 

"But," the zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

 

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is'!"

[The_Munchmaster]

Linford Christie goes to a Golf Club and the man at reception who was looking a bit embarrassed says, 'Sorry sir, we don't let black people play here. There is another club 10 minutes down the road, they may help you'.

 

'But I'm Linford Christie' he says.

 

The receptionist replies 'alright then, 3 minutes down the road, now f*ck off!!'

[Torneyboy]

Smart gal..