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TB, when you changed 'Australian' to 'Scottish' you should also have changed 'An' to 'A' as in 'An Australian couple' / 'A Scottish couple'. :nono:

 

The moral of this is, if your grammar is dodgy then don't fuck with another man's jokes. :neener:

Oops ..sorry Teach ..will take more care next time.. :neener:

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Dear Abby,

 

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 

The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

 

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

 

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. ' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

 

 

 

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:)

 

Nelson Mandela

 

 

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and

 

Drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door

 

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man,

 

Clutching a clip board and yelling,

 

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

 

 

 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

 

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when

 

the Japanese man starts to yell louder,

 

 

 

 

'You Sign! You sign!'

 

 

 

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've

 

Obviously got the wrong man', and

 

Shuts the door in his face.

 

 

 

The next day he hears a knock at the

 

Door again.

 

When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge

 

Truck of Brake pads.

 

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

 

 

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

 

 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so

 

He pushes the little >

 

Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I

 

don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

 

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears

 

A knock on the door again.

 

 

 

On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a --

 

Clipboard under his nose, shouting,

 

 

 

'You sign! You sign!'

 

 

 

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

 

 

 

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little

 

Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

 

 

 

You understand? You must have the wrong name!

 

Who do you want to give these to?'

 

 

 

The little Japanese man looks very

 

Puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

(It's a beauty) >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

(Wait for it)

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

Get your best Japanese accent ready)

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

> >

 

> > >

 

> > >

 

'You Not Nissan Main Deala?'

 

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A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

 

The Irishman then replies,

'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.

 

'The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.

 

'The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.

 

'And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of

finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!

 

'The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

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Oldie but goodie...

 

Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

 

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

 

Funny but not true - knowing Cosgrove's media profile he would never do this.

 

Not real - based upon a funny joke about a women reading in side a restricted fishing area with a unused fishing rod - game warden says "Well you have all the equipment to fish so I'm charging you with fishing

 

She replies - well I'm charging you with rape - He says WHAT I haven't touched you

 

YEs - but you have all the equipment "Morol of the story don't mess with women who read.

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