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Darts Team

 

 

 

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

 

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told

her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front

of the fire.

 

'Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,'

she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman

filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

 

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and

told her husband when he came home.

 

He didn't believe her so she said: 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the

curtains so that you can see for yourself.'

 

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

'Do you shave?'

 

'No,' said the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you

have hairs?'

 

'Oh yes,' said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy bush.

 

When the husband got back in she asked: 'Did you see it?'

'Yes,' he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

 

'Why,' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know,' he said, 'but the f***king darts team hadn't!'

 

 

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A REDNECK LOVE POEM

 

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

 

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

 

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL."

 

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

 

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck and the only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

 

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening â?? red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

 

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 

'Yes please', he replied, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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Iâ??m not usually one for posting warnings but I had a close call yesterday.

 

I was in a B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking!

 

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and laid the bastard out!

 

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky, please pass this warning on!

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

When I was 18 I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

 

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

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Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

 

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons - all is going well.

 

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

 

The Queen finally turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

 

George Bush, always trying to be 'Presidential', replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!"

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