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THE AMAZING SCOTSMAN !

 

 

 

 

 

 

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress,

 

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

 

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

 

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man

lifted his kilt,

 

whipped out his huge boaby and smashed all three walnuts with

three mighty swings!

 

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried

off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and

saw a faded sign

 

for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing

Scotsman'.

 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still

doing his act!

 

He bought a ticket.

 

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however,

instead of walnuts,

 

three coconuts were placed on the table.

 

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt

and shattered the coconuts with three

 

swings of his amazing member.

 

The crowd went wild!

 

 

 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after

the show.

 

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know

something.

 

You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

 

 

 

''Well laddie,' said the Scot,

 

'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

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A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

 

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says," Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

 

The first one said, "I think accountants are easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

 

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

 

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour coded."

 

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

 

Finally, the fifth surgeon said, "You're all wrong! Engineers are by far the easiest because they always understand if you have a few parts left over at the end."

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman shipwrecked on an island with a tribe of cannibals. All three are told by the cannibals that they will be cooked and eaten, and canoes will then be made out of their skins.

 

The Englishman is asked if he has any last requests. He says, "Yes, I'd like a knife." He is given a knife, which he uses to slit his throat as he shouts, "Long live the Queen!"

 

The Scotsman then has the opportunity to make a last request. He to asks for a knife and slits his throat as he cries, "Scotland The Brave!!"

 

The Irishman is then asked for his last request. He responds, "I'd like a fork, please."

 

The natives are a little confused, but comply.

 

Suddenly the Irishman stabs himself repeatedly with the fork, shouting, "You're not making a bloody canoe out of me!"

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A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

 

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says," Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

 

 

I wondered why the Scots ate a lot of toast... :neener:

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A Polish man moved to England and married a Local girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, how are your relations?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Pharmacy and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'

 

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him. He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

 

You know what?'

 

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

'I think you're bad luck, fuck off!'

 

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