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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

 

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

 

At the fourth house, a dumb blonde in her lingerie met him at the door.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

 

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

 

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."

....... the breakfast was my idea."

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Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Madras, India from the U.S.

 

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

 

Here are the scorecards from the event:

 

______________________________________

 

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Indus Incinerator Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

 

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

 

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

 

_________________________________

 

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

 

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

____________________________________________

 

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Dry Out The Ghats Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

 

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

 

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

 

_________________________

 

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Is curry an aphrodisiac?

 

__________________________________

 

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Bhandar Burner

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

_________________________________

 

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Vishnu Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers

 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

 

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

 

______________________________________

 

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sala Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

_______________________________

 

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Brahmaputra Evaporator

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

 

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

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This just in my email box:

 

Subject: Dad at the mall

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

 

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

 

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response: "Got drunk and fucked a peacock once. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

Cheers,

SD

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"I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach."

 

:grinyes::grinyes::applause:

 

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