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The discussions in american news forum reminded me of an old german WWII joke.

 

An airplane with Hitler, Goring, Himmler, Goebbels and all other top nazis crashed and all died.

 

Who was rescued?

 

But you said all died.

 

Yes, but the german people was rescued. :)

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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

Curious, the stranger respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose Funeral is it?'

 

'My wife's'

 

'What happened to her?'

 

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

 

'But who is in the second hearse?'

 

'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two.

 

'May I borrow your dog?'

 

'Get in line.'

 

 

 

 

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Two friends are playing golf, when they get held up by a two women playing in front of them. One of them agrees to walk forward and ask if they can play through.

 

The first man returns and says "I can't ask them to play through, one is my wife and the other is my lover".

 

The second man agrees to go up and ask them to play though, but soon returns and reports "Small world, I have the same problem."

 

---

 

I was playing this hole one time with a senior citizen and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.

I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?

He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could do in this case. I was married to the woman for 40 years!"

 

---

 

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

 

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

 

 

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And just to show I lack bias here's one for the Aussie's too.

 

A lion in London Zoo was lazing in the sun and licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,"that's a docile thing isn't it?"

 

"No way," said the keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo, why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is he lying there licking his arse?"

 

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth," said the keeper.

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