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No, I get the joke alright but I just don't get the song lyrics, I mean, what's a 'swagman'? why is he boiling his mate 'Billy'? who the feck is matilda and why would he want to waltz her? If she is a real doll, then why would he want his mates to join in and waltz her also.

 

Plus I refuse to believe that any man in Aussie land is sophisticated enough to do the feckin waltz anyway.

 

Feckin confusing the lot of it :confused::confused:

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No, I get the joke alright but I just don't get the song lyrics, I mean, what's a 'swagman'? why is he boiling his mate 'Billy'? who the feck is matilda and why would he want to waltz her? If she is a real doll, then why would he want his mates to join in and waltz her also.

 

Plus I refuse to believe that any man in Aussie land is sophisticated enough to do the feckin waltz anyway.

 

Feckin confusing the lot of it :confused::confused:

 

 

A swagman is a tussocker.

 

I thought everyone knew that!

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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

 

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

 

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

 

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus.'

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bran Muffins

 

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

 

However one day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

 

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

 

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

 

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

 

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

 

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

 

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

 

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