Any New Jokes

[Al]

There once was a piano player who was auditioning at the Bamboo Lounge. The manager of the place told him to play some tunes, He played a very beautiful piece that impressed the manager. "What is the name of that tune". "The I Like Sniffing Pussy Shuffle in B Major" replied the pianist. A little apprehensive, the manager said "Hmm, well, play a piece that you would be playing here if you got the gig".

 

So he launched into another tune. The tune impressed the manager to tears, as well as all his staff. "Wow, I have never heard anything more so awe inspiring, I think you will work, but, just out of curiosity, what is the name of that piece". The Blow Your Brother, F*ck a Goat, and Tell Me That You Love Me Waltz, in D Minor. "

 

This was a tough call for the manager, but finally he said "Ok, you're hired, but on one condition, don't under any condition tell any of the customers the names of your pieces.". "Sure".

 

So the first day on the gig, he was playing, and wowing his customers. There was one particularly hot woman that caught his attention so much, that during the break, he went to the bathroom and jacked off. When he came back to the bandstand, he decided he had to meet this woman and talk to her. So he mustered the courage and went up and said hello. The woman replied, "Hey, I really like your music. But do you know your fly is open and you have come all over your dick."

 

"Know it, I wrote it!"

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Good one and a new one Al. :thumbup:

[The_Munchmaster]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"

[The_Munchmaster]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and says, "You know what I want donâ??t you?" "Yeah," says Paddy, "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"

[The_Munchmaster]

Q. What has a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[The_Munchmaster]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says, "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies, "Iâ??ve put the dog in our garden, letâ??s see how they like it!"

[The_Munchmaster]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

 

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

 

As she lifted one, she could not help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."

 

"No, madam." he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

[Torneyboy]

Was the guy Scottish?

[The_Munchmaster]

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

 

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

 

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.' â??No, said Brown - that would be an accident.'

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy' I'm afraid not, explained Brown - that's what we would call great loss.

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brown searched he room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

 

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and George Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

 

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

 

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly would not be a great loss and it probably would not be a fecking accident either!'

[drogon]

Thanks for this one munchie